Monkey Business

Monkeys. Bastards. I know, I know, we're all meant to think that they're really cute, dressed in their little sailor suits collecting money in tin mugs for organ grinders. But the fact is, I find them bloody irritating. They come off as smug little smart-arsed bastards. Not only that, far from exhibiting higher intelligence, they seem to spend inordinate amounts of time masturbating, or urinating and/or crapping on people from great heights. They're just a bunch of pint-sized bullies who get away with it by deploying their cute "almost human" behaviour at key moments. Look at those monkeys in India that used to live in the trees next to a government building. Apparently they used regularly break into the building, wrecking offices and terrorising the occupants. Not only that, they also attacked people outside of the building. Eventually they had to train other monkeys to chase the first lot off. Probably the new lot wil now take up residence and start a reign of simian terror. Personally, I would have shot the little bastards. There they would have been, up in their trees looking smug, thinking they were safe and planning their next atrocity when BLAM!, they're picked off with a sniper rifle. Bastards.

Another reason I hate those simian bastards is that they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down. I mean, if, say, you were working on your car and there were monkeys living in a nearby tree, well, before youknew it the little bastards would have made off with your socket set. Elephants, on the other hand, have never been noted as a threat to toolkits. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the great apes, Gorillas and Orang-Utangs, its those bastard monkeys I can't stand. Chimps - they're pretty suspect too, but I'm wiling to give them the benefit of the doubt. Baboons - now there's another bunch I don't trust - flaunting their big red (or blue) arses as if simply possessing colourful buttocks is, in itself, something clever - and stripping your car of various vital components when you drive through their enclosure in the Safari Park. Actually, I always wanted to somehow trap one of those blue-bummed bastards on the car and then drive into the Lions enclosure - see how clever they were then! Proboscis monkeys - who the hell do they think they are with those big conks, eh - Cyrano de bloody Bergerac? Big-nosed bastards