Save The Moustache

I've decided - it is time we straight guys reclaimed the moustache. For too long possession of fancy upper-lip adornment has become closely identified with homosexuality. With full beards becoming increasingly identified with crazy extremists, tramps and ZZ Top, this has led to the insidious rise of the goatee and its variations as the favoured facial hair fro straight men. I don't know about you, but I've always associated the goatee as being worn primarily by devilish villains in 1960s TV series and smooth-talking sex perverts in badly-dubbed erotic thrillers from the continent. It really is no fit thing for any self-respecting gentleman to be wearing on his face. Besides, the amount of time it must take to keep the bloody things neatly trimmed speaks volumes of the vanity, nay, narcissism, of the wearers. By contrast, a good honest 'tache is commendably low-maintenance, generally requiring only a weekly trim with a set of nail scissors to keep it in shape.

Now, before going any further, I'd like to make it clear that this campaign is in no way homophobic. So, the gay-bashers can stop reading here. Indeed, I have nothing against gay men sporting moustaches. My problem is the way in which, in certain circles, the moustache has simply become shorthand for 'gay'. You know what I mean - those closet homophobes in the pub who all nudge eachother and snigger 'Homo' as soon as a moustachioed man enters the bar. Clearly, these types are insecure in their own masculinity and feel intimidated by the presence of such proudly worn facial hair and the maturity and confidence it implies. In fact, rather than reclaim the 'tache for straight men, I simply want to return it to its proper place as a symbol of masculinity - whether worn by a straight man or a gay guy. I want to stamp out this unthinking sterotyping which says gay men always have droopy moustaches (along with the frilly shirts and black leather caps).

But just how did we arrive at this state of affairs where the moustache is associated not just with homosexuality, but with campness as well? I mean, just go back to the 1970s when Hollywood's most macho stars all sported moustaches. Only a few weeks ago I spent a highly pleasurable afternoon re-watching Smokey and the Bandit. Burt Reynolds in cowboy boots and Stetson, sporting a fine moustache and roaring around in a 1977 6.6 litre Trans Am, whilst being pursued by an overweight middle-aged man with a small moustache dressed as a sheriff - what could be more masculine than that? Clearly a man entirely secure in his sexuality. If we go back further, what do we find? The Adventures of Robin Hood in 1938, with Errol Flynn in tights and pencil moustache hanging out in Sherwood Forest with his band of Merry Men. Again, nothing in the slightest bit camp in any of that. Frankly, I blame Freddy Mercury - he spent most of the 1980s wearing a magnificent moustache, but flouncing around in dresses. Mark my words, that's where the rot set in!