Out of Gear

I was very sorry to hear about Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond's terrible accident the other day. I was even sorrier that it wasn't Jeremy Clarkson. Ahh, topical humour, eh! I must only be the millionth person to do some variation on that gag today. What I really like about the way this sort of thing is reported is how it allows other channels to pass comment on their rivals. Whilst BBC news reporting of Hammond's accident has, naturally, concentrated on his injuries, ITV news quickly promised us a report on 'the risks of dangerous TV stunts' (delivered in a suitably disapproving tone by the newsreader). Of course, what they actually mean is 'we're going to gloat about dangerous TV stunts on BBC programmes and completely ignore the number of times we've put people's lives at risk in the name of entertainment)'. What's the betting they dredge up that business from donkey's years ago when a viewer died whilst rehearsing a stunt on Noel Edmonds' Late Late Breakfast Show? Now, that really was tragic - that poor bloke's sacrifice was in vain as Noel quickly returned to our screens in another Saturday night programme which ran for years and gave us Mr Blobby. Is there no justice? How many people have to die before we can get Noel's latest programme, Deal, or No Deal, off of our screens?

Now there's an idea - rig some of the boxes on Deal, or No Deal with bombs so that contestants are blown to bits as they open them - surely that would get it taken off the air? Probably not - more likely this new element of risk would increase the ratings and get it recommissioned. It's the same with Top Gear. You can guarantee that presenter being maimed won't stop them. I daresay that as soon as he's sufficiently recovered, they'll have Hammond speed-testing electric wheelchairs and drag racing against Stephen Hawking. Trust me, there's some sick bastard of a programme executive out there planning something along these lines at this very minute! Remember, you heard it here first!