Killer Pope?

I was confronted by another of those surreal headlines the other day, this time on CNN's teletext service: "Possible Pope Connection to Nun Killing". Just for a moment there I thought that perhaps His Holiness was about to be arrested on suspicion of murdering nuns. I had visions of rooftop chases across the Vatican, with Pope Benedict being pursued by FBI agents, hurling Hail Marys at them as he tried to escape justice, before being cornered in the Basilica of St Peter's for a desperate last stand. In this scenario he would die in a hail of bullets, probably falling from a great height and being ironically impaled on a conveniently placed giant crucifix.

But imagine that, a serial killer Pope. Well, he was in the Hitler Youth, so I suppose anything is possible - but why would the head of the Roman Catholic Church go around killing nuns? Was he doing it before he became Pope, and his trail of murder and mayhem (across several continents, no doubt), has only just been uncovered by police? Did he strangle them with rosary beads or suffocate them with his mitre? Did he just pick his victims off individually, or did he leave whole convents massacred in his murderous wake?

Still, I suppose being Pope made it easier to get close to his victims - maybe that's why he picked on nuns - after all, who wouldn't trust a pontiff (apart from protestants, Muslims, atheists and just about everyone except Roman Catholics)? Yes, I can see it all now - his position of power and having the ear of God undoubtedly deluded him into believing he could get away with it. I'm sure the Vatican will have conspired to cover it all up - the greatest conspiracy since the Da Vinci Code. They probably have the Pope under constant watch to ensure that he's never left alone with a nun...

Sadly, of course, the story behind the headline was much more mundane, speculating whether the Pope's recent speech which apparently offended Muslims was connected to the murder of an unfortunate nun in Africa. I still prefer my version.