Shoot the Dog

Dangerous dogs - is there any other kind? When they aren't mauling babies to death and maiming toddlers, they're shitting all over public pavements and parks. God only knows how many serious injuries are caused by people slipping up on dog shit. You know - digression time again - many, many years ago, I came across a guy taking close up photographs of dog shit. I kid you not - he looked pretty professional; had all the gear, telephoto lenses, the lot. I've always liked to think that every time some old lady slipped in some shit and broke her hip, he'd turn up at her hospital bedside with his photos and try to get her to identify the offending turd: "We just want the faeces, Ma'am". I'd like to think that he'd catalogued every lump of canine crap in the district and linked it to a specific dog, so as to be able to mete out suitable justice as soon as the miscreant had been identified. Maybe by going round and crapping in their kennel, or something.

Anyway, digression over. Where was I? Oh yes, the disgusting things dogs do. Well, apart from savaging people and shitting everywhere, they also piss and fart all the time. Let's not forget the way they slobber all over you - without invitation - and attempt to lick you with the same tongue they've just been licking their arse with. What amazes me is that some people actually seem to enjoy this, encouraging their dogs not only to lick their hands, but their faces as well. Jesus Christ! What's wrong with these people? Are they all perverts? Probably they are. They probably also strip naked and get their dogs to lick their genitals and stick their cold wet noses up their backsides.

So, having established that dogs are, when not being dangerous, downright disgusting and four-legged health hazards, what are we going to do about it? There's been much hand wringing lately on the subject of how best to control dangerous dogs, with the usual platitudes about blaming the owners, not the dogs. Well, I'd have thought the solution was obvious: bring back the dog licence (hah! You weren't expecting that, now were you?). This time, make it so bloody expensive that the type of moronic shaven headed and tattooed deadbeats who usually keep vicious dogs (as some kind of penis substitute, presumably), can't afford it. Once you've got a register of licensed dogs, solving the problem is easy - if anyone is seen out with a dog and can't produce a valid licence: shoot the dog. Yes, shoot it. Right there. On the spot. That's the kind of summary justice we want. If a dog, licensed or otherwise, attacks anyone - shoot it. Then shoot the owner. Simple. If a dog is seen in public, off a leash - shoot it. If a dog is seen fouling the pavement - shoot it. In fact, just shoot all the stinking, slavering hairy bastards.