Cryptozoology? Craptozoology, More Like!

Having mentioned cryptozoologists in the previous post, I feel I must elaborate on this bunch of nutters. These are the lunatics who think that ape men walk in parks on Tyneside, lions roam Surrey and probably believe that dinosaurs still thrive in obscure Welsh valleys (but only very small ones which look just like regular lizards to the likes of you and I). OK, I know I'm probably being unfair, and that many of these people are serious researchers pursuing genuine scientific studies, and I will concede that in recent years several entirely new species have been identified and several thought extinct rediscovered, but I still think most of them are demented obsessives. A bit like the 'Paul is Dead' brigade.

Perhaps I'd take them more seriously if they didn't keep on insisting that Britain's countryside is overrun with non-indigenous big cats living wild. Whilst I don't doubt that there have been cases of things like pumas being released into the wild by irresponsible owners, I imagine these have been relatively rare and the animals concerned probably died of starvation or disease pretty quickly. Ultimately, it's the complete lack of physical evidence which undermines their 'theory'. If there were large numbers of lions, panthers and the like wandering around Britain, surely farmers would be reporting cattle losses (believe me, they'll moan about anything, so we would have heard)? Why are no dead big cats found (they have to die sometime, if not of old age, then by being hit by cars as they cross roads)? Why has nobody ever taken a convincing picture of one? It just doesn't add up, does it?

Most of the 'evidence' offered by the craptozoologists is purely anecdotal - people reporting that they saw 'something' in their headlamps, that sort of thing. Eyes glowing in the dark when caught by car headlight beams feature a lot. After all, only cats have reflective eyes, don't they? And these eyes are always too far off the ground to be those of an ordinary cat, so it must be a tiger! Well, most animals eyes visibly reflect light to some degree. I remember once seeing such a set of eyes by the roadside ahead of me, quite high off the ground - turned out to be a deer. (Funnily enough, though, when I once hit a deer which ran out in front of me, I distinctly remember thinking 'Big cat!' as I saw it over the bonnet). But why is it only big cats which apparently roam free in Britain? Why not less glamourous and exciting animals? You don't hear about people glimpsing rhinos in their headlamps, do you? Or hear reports of mysterious trumpetings and torn up trees in the woods. When was the last time you heard of children being trampled to death in wildebeest stampedes in Somerset, eh? It just doesn't bloody happen, does it?