Blue Movies?

Apparently the Tory party chairman, Francis Maude, is also the non-executive chairman of a finance company which has been investing in porn flicks. When I read this I couldn't but wonder whether this was all part of the Conservative party's 'sexy' new image, and was left wondering exactly what I'd see if I logged on to David Cameron's webcam. Horrible images of a naked Cameron bending his wife across the kitchen table and giving her one from behind as he extols the virtues of Conservative environmental policies, direct to camera whilst his buttocks vibrate away. A ludicrous thought, I know - the Tories don't actually have any coherent policies on the environment. Or any other issue, for that matter. But maybe they're onto something here. With the electorate reportedly less and less interested in politics and election turn outs declining, perhaps making party political broadcasts into mini porn films is the way ahead. It would certainly get people's attention. Just imagine the impact of seeing Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett breathlessly explaining Britain's Middle East policy as she pleasures herself with a vibrator, throwing her head back shrieking out plans for a new peace settlement as she climaxes.

Whilst the sight of John Prescott and Harriet Harmon getting jiggy with it in the cabinet room might not convince floating voters to support the government, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown could have done worse than re-staging the butter scene from Last Tango in Paris in order to convince the voters of Labour unity. Obviously, Brown would have to have been Brando. Mind you, whilst many politicians might take some persuading that having a pound of butter shoved up their jacksie really is in the best interests of the party, there are others I can think of who'd need next to no excuse whatsoever to publicly perform lewd acts. Those awful Hamiltons, for instance. You can bet that they'd be doing it doggy-style on Newsnight if they thought there was the slightest chance it could get Neil Hamilton re-elected as an MP. Just imagine Paxman's look of revulsion. Speaking of revulsion, one thing I thank God for is the fact that John Major and Edwina Currie didn't record any of their assignations. Really, just the thought of him banging away saying 'Oh yes, oh yes' and 'That was most satisfactory' as he came, not only reminds me of why I could never vote Tory, but also makes me feel so dirty I have to go and have an immediate shower. Eeeech!