Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Getting the Horn at Christmas

You know, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about that title. It could be taken to imply that it is Christmas which is the cause of my sexual excitement. I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. If there's one thing normally guaranteed to turn me off, it is the thought of the festive season. Having digressed before the post proper has even started (remarkable even by my standards), I'll try and steer things back to my intended point. It is a fact that, as I've got older, I've noticed that somewhen around late November, my libido generally goes AWOL, only beginning to stir again in February, and not really flourishing again until the Spring. No matter how many gigabytes of porn I download, for those three Winter months, nothing stirs below the waist. Believe me, nubile cheerleaders could parade naked through my front room with no risk whatsoever of sexual molestation - not even a leer.

However, I've noticed an unseasonal bout of horniness on my part over the past couple of weeks. Quite what has set this off, I really don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with Spurs' recent run of good form. Perhaps they're putting something in thet water. I just don't know. All I know is that I'm getting the horn even more than Derek and Clive. Not that it serves much purpose, though. The only women I seem to encounter these days I wouldn't touch with my next door neighbour's, even if I did find them attractive, or they're students and definitely out of bounds. OK, there was that drunken woman who accosted me in a pub the other day, but drunken women, particularly ones who drink in that pub. Actually, that's not entirely true, I have a friend who frequently seems to be drunk, yet always remains attractive and witty. I'm afraid I suffer from the curse that just about every woman I know who gives me the horn prefers to see me as a friend or surrogate big brother. Very frustrating. The trouble is, I'm getting to the age where acquaintances try and set me up with their single friends. Now there's a recipe for disaster and social embarrassment. In a recent episode I had someone trying to get me to meet their friend who was a deputy headmistress. For God's sake, just because I'm a part-qualified FE teacher, that doesn't make me compatible or even remotely interested in any random woman who works in education!

Anyway, getting back to the point, it looks like I'll have to be downloading several thousand more gigabytes of porn to help work this Christmas horn off...



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