Another TV Show They Should Make...

TV crimebusters - they need a new twist. We've had cooking detectives, singing detectives, detectives with OCD, blind detectives, even gardening detectives. Here's my take: an internet porn addicted detective. He's been kicked off the force, thrown out by his wife and banned from seeing his kids as a result of his insatiable appetite for online sex pics. Living in a dingy bedsit, with only his frustratingly slow dial-up connection for company, we follow his daily battle to restrict his porno downloads, whilst working as a rock-bottom private eye. Here's the twist - he's forced to investigate the murders of several of the models who featured on his favourite skin sites, and he naturally, becomes a suspect! This could be the most depressing slice of TV crime investigation ever, as our hero explores the dark and seamy underbelly of amateur bondage sites, finding the sessions being shot in dingy council flats on grimy sink estates, using underage crack-addicted local single mothers. Hell, it's got the lot! There's even the possibility of a spin-off series featuring his sidekick, another ex-copper who was falsely convicted of peadophilia after having kiddie porn pictures planted on his PC by a bent colleague. Cleared and released from prison, he's decided to dedicate his life to helping children at risk, by becoming a lollipop man. When he isn't helping under-nines cross busy roads, he's using his 'lollipop' to beat up local drug dealers and pimps preying on his young charges. Trust me, it's another winner!

Of course, it won't be easy getting TV executives to bite with such a downbeat scenario, but I've got a plan to get over that problem: Ray Winstone. Everybody knows that Britain's hardest luvvie is the key to getting any piece of crap commissioned at ITV. Just say that he's interested in playing the lead and they'll immediately be saying: "Ray Winstone? Perfect - it's dark, it's edgy. Cutting edge drama for the Twenty First Century - just what we need!" As a back up, I'd suggest Ken Stott for the sidekick, he's another dead cert if you want to get anything featuring troubled detectives with anger management problems into production. I'm preparing my pitch already...