Christmas Eve at Sleaze Towers

Christmas Eve and still no offers of panto! I guess I'll just have to think of another excuse for wearing women's clothes... I just thought I'd drop by Sleaze Diary and wish everyone a Happy Winterval (stick that up your cassocks, God botherers!). Joking aside, as far as I'm concerned, everyone is free to celebrate this festive season as they see fit. If you are religious and are going to church - good for you! If not, that's fine too! Personally, I don't observe the religious side of Christmas, to me it is simply a very welcome mid-winter break when I can catch up with friends. Sadly, I can't help but notice that one of our great Christmas traditions has been killed stone dead this year: the race for the Christmas No 1 in the singles chart. Thanks to bloody X-Factor, this year it was such a forgone conclusion that whichever one hit wonder triumphed in that talent(less) contest would get the No 1 spot, nobody seems to have bothered releasing any proper Christmas singles this year. I never thought I'd say it, but I've actually missed being irritated by those bloody stupid novelty songs which escape this time of year. Shame on you Simon Cowell, you smug, arrogant bastard, for bringing us to this sad state of affairs. I suppose every Christmas needs a Scrooge and, this year, you've certainly fitted the bill, draining all the joy from the charts!

I've also been shocked by the lack of festive news stories on TV. All I've heard all day is that crime rates could soar if there's an economic downturn. Yeah, that's exactly what I want to hear today, of all days. For fuck's sake, it's bloody Christmas! Can't you find some stories about fluffy bunny rabbits getting to No 1, or orphans being saved from starvation by benevolent millionaires? We want to be reassured at this time of year, not told that we're all going to be buggered in our beds! The only other story which seems to have been reported today is Admiral Sir Alan West banging on about the dangers of cutting defence spending. Now, I could tell you a thing or two about Westie, from my days of working in the whacky world of intelligence analysis. Sadly, they're all covered by the Official Secrets Act, I can't even tell you why we called the twat 'Captain Towpath'...

In my attempts to avoid this barrage of downbeat headlines, I discovered a new form of torture - watching the music and quiz channels on Freeview, (I finally got my digibox working with the aid of a thirty foot length of screened coaxial cable. The aerial is now up in the spare room and interference from the boiler controls is minimal. I didn't fall off of any ladders this time. Though a ladder nearly fell on me, but that's another story). Of course on Christmas Eve you get served up a non-stop diet of former Christmas No 1's on the music channels. I'd forgotten how the video for Paul McCartney's 'Having a Wonderful Christmas Time' was just as horrendous as the song itself. It features him and Wings going into a pub and terrorising drinkers with their singing. Jesus, if he appeared like that in my boozer, he'd probably get his lights punched out! I had a real shock watching one of the quiz channels - one of those bloody girls who used to appear on my cable supplier's sales channel was presenting on it! I guess it's true what they say - everyone eventually finds their level. Other great seasonal viewing included UKTV History showing the whole of the World at War. Peace and goodwill, eh? Whatever happened to the good old days when Christmas Eve TV was full of people singing carols and Val Doonican and his sweater strumming a guitar as he sat in his rocking chair? I never thought I'd get nostalgic for that sort of thing, but strangely I am! Sadly, these days TV producers seem to think that just sticking a Christmas tree in the back of the studio is sufficient to get that seasonal feeling.

But enough of this seasonal nostalgia! Sleaze's greetings to you all! I'm off to the pub!