Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Burn, Nonce, Burn!

"It's their own fault for looking like fuckin' weirdoes, innit?" opines twenty year old Portsmouth man Darren Titt, following his arrest to for attempting to burn down a house used by the local authority to house vulnerable adults with learning difficulties. "How was I to know they weren't bloody peadophiles? I mean, they were wearing thick glasses and never used to speak to anyone else on the estate!" Titt and a gang of associates had waged a campaign of terror against the house after rumours spread around the Blotcher housing estate in Cosham that it was being used as a 'halfway house' to rehabilitate sex offenders back into the community. Released on police bail, pending his appearance before Portsmouth Magistrates Court next month, Titt remains unrepentant about his actions. "Listen, those freaks wuz always lookin' at kiddies playin' near that house, no normal bloke does a thing like that," he claims. "They should never have put 'em in a house next to a playground."

Titt believes that he and his gang were doing the local community a favour. "Even if they weren't kiddie fiddlers, it was only a matter of time before they started doing it - it's well known that nonces are all mentally subnormal," says the unemployed knee-wrencher, who was excluded from school at sixteen, with no qualifications. "I was only doin' what any normal bloke would do - protectin' the interests of my child. The thought of her being drooled over by one of those weirdoes makes my skin crawl. Blokes who want to have sex with underage girls want stringin' up!" Titt's two year old daughter currently lives twenty miles away in Southampton, with his estranged sixteen year old partner.

This isn't the first incident of its kind, two years ago a house on the nearby Scutter estate was attacked by local vigilantes who believed it was being used to accommodate peadophiles. It was only after a fatal fire bomb attack, which killed three of the occupants, that it was established that it had, in fact, been occupied by released rapists. "I can honestly say that I have only ever committed rape to satisfy my entirely normal heterosexual perversions," fifty six year old Gerald Scudd, who survived the blaze, later told the press. "Mind you, I can quite understand why people got upset - if I found that one of those filthy child molesting vermin were living next door to me, I'd probably want to garotte them. Sexual offences against children are quite deplorable and I've always tried to make sure that my victims are above the age of consent. However, if I have ever inadvertently raped anyone under sixteen, I apologise unreservedly."

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