Saddamned!

Channel Four's Celebrity Big Brother took another bizarre turn yesterday after the new 'mystery housemate' - who had been secretly living in hole underneath the Big Brother house's garden - was revealed as former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Shouting "Surprise!" as he appeared through a trapdoor, Saddam revealed to the astonished housemates that his execution had been faked so as to maintain the secrecy over his participation in the reality TV show. He joins fellow US public enemy Osama bin Laden in the house. Bin Laden - who had appeared on Friday after spending two weeks hiding in a kitchen cupboard - sparked controversy within hours of his arrival, accusing US contestants Dirk Benedict and Jermaine Jackson of racism, after they denounced him as an 'evil terrorist' and attempted to lynch him with a bedsheet. "This is obviously anti-Arab racism," he claimed in the Diary Room. "They'd never have treated me this way if I had been one of those nice white Irish Republican terrorists! Oh no! They'd have been buying me drinks, singing Irish songs and giving me lots of charitable donations for the 'boys back home'!"

Saddam has fared little better in the house. Within twenty four hours of his arrival, he was in the diary Room, pleading to be hanged rather than have to listen to Cleo Rocos, Jo O'Meara and that bird who flashes her tits for the papers for any longer. "I'm begging you, let me die with dignity - even I never subjected people to such abominable torture," he pleaded. "In my country I would have had them all shot - and I'd have gassed the entire Goody family for good measure! Trust me, you would have thanked me for doing it as well!" The last straw for Saddam seemed to have been when the evicted Jade Goody's idiot boyfriend Jack mistook him for a kebab seller he once knew in Leyton and tried to buy a portion of chips and a coke from him. Channel Four bosses are refusing to comment on reports that Saddam's appearance is part of a deal with the Iraqi authorities to legally torture the deposed dictator, although a source at the Iraqi embassy in London did confirm that "Frankly, we thought hanging was both too good and too quick for a man who had tortured and murdered thousands. We wanted a more appropriate punishment."

Not surprisingly, both Saddam and bin Laden have been nominated for eviction this week. However, the programme's makers have a surprise twist in store for the evictee. Instead of leaving the house to face an interview with Davina McCall, they will in fact be handcuffed and led to a gallows where they'll be hanged live on TV by celebrity executioner Graham Norton. "In view of the alternative, I think Saddam would be quite pleased with such an outcome," commented a spokesperson for the ex-Iraqi President. "There are only so many of these mindless British harridans a man can face and still retain his sanity." Channel Four are confident that the execution - for which they have special dispensation from the Home Office - will not only boost viewing figures, but will also help quell the public ill will generated by the earlier Jade Goody-racism row.