House Proud?

Do you know what's really bugging me at the moment? Those bloody ads for plug-in air-fresheners. Especially that one with the cartoon raccoon who goes on about how much she worries about her house smelling in case someone drops by for a coffee. "Imagine if they couldn't wait to get away because of the odour?" she asks, before thanking goodness for this latest variable strength air freshener thing you plug into a spare electric socket. Do the settings go all the way up to raccoon? I've seen the little bastards in zoos - they stink. Jesus, do they stink! Frankly, learning not to shit or piss just wherever you please and greater attention to personal hygiene would probably do more to solve Mrs Raccoon's odour problems than some plug in.

But to get to the point (yes, there is one), the thing I find most offensive about these ads is the idea that you would actually want people randomly dropping around to your house without warning on the pretext of 'having a coffee'. Who are these people who apparently roam Britain's streets in search of a caffeine fix? Why does anybody let them in? They're probably just coming round to check if your house smells and, if not, to create foul odours of their own to embarrass you when the next lot of roving coffee drinkers come by. I can't remember the last time I 'just dropped in' on someone without warning - why the hell would you do that? Is it just me? I admit that I'm an incredibly private person (says a man running two public web sites), but I really don't think this sort of thing is normal! I absolutely detest people turning up at my house out of the blue - it makes me feel incredibly self-conscious of the fact that the place is a mess (which it usually is). I resent the idea that I should always keep the place I live in pristine just because of the fear of people 'dropping round'!

Consequently, I do everything in my power to discourage such visits. Apart from the most obvious measures of slamming the door in caller's faces and shouting at them to 'fuck off' through the letter box, or simply not answering the door at all and pretending to be out, those ads have inspired me to try a new strategy. I'm going to ensure that my house is always filled with foul odours to greet uninvited callers. I'm currently devising my own plug in, designed to exude the most disgusting smells known to man. The idea is to switch it on as soon as the bastards turn up, starting with a mild setting like 'stale piss' and working up through 'mild fart' to 'curry fart', 'brewer's fart' and finally 'rancid dog shit', if they don't get the message. The great thing is that as it makes no sound and the smells appear gradually, you can really make them squirm by keep shooting them accusing looks! I can guarantee that you'd only have to deploy this device two or three times for word to get around the 'house visiting' community, and you'll soon find yourself left in peace!