Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Hoologanism by Royal Appointment

"I couldn't believe my eyes at first, but it was definitely Her Majesty," convicted football hooligan Tommy Tupper told top tabloid The Shite.  "She was right in the thick of it, rallying the British fans against those Russian bastards!  I never knew that she was into football, but there she was, hurling chairs and bottles at the Russkis like a pro!"   Tupper, who was tear gassed by French police in Marseilles during Saturday's pre-match ruck between English and Russian football thugs, has sensationally claimed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II spent part of her 90th birthday weekend at the heart of the violence which has marred Euro 2016.  "Obviously, she had to be back in Blighty in time for that party on the Mall on Sunday, so she was clearly making the most of the time she had there," Tupper claimed.  "At one point I saw her engaged in a bare knuckle fight with this huge Russian thug - she was getting the better of him when three of his mates turned up and surrounded her!  I thought she was a goner for sure, but then Prince Philip appeared out of nowhere, leaping in and felling one of the bastards with flying drop kick, before taking out the other two with a roundhouse kick!"

According to Tupper, it wasn't just Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh present at the street battles between fans.  "I spotted several top British politicians there, presumably at Her Majesty's insistence," he told the tabloid.  "Mind you, most of them weren't anywhere near as enthusiastic as the Queen.  I saw David Cameron cowering behind some dustbins as everything kicked off - typical bloody Villa fan.  Michael Gove wasn't any better - he kept saying 'You wouldn't hit a man with glasses on, would you?' to every Russian hooligan who came near him.  Thankfully, they all would, it seemed."  But the most effective political intervention in the fight turned out to be a complete surprise.  "At one point the Russians had a group of us cornered in an alleyway, battering us with chairs, paving slabs, bottles, anything they could lay their hands on," recalled Tupper.  "Then who should come down the alley after them but Labour leader Jeremy bloody Corbyn!  He was dressed in chain mail and riding a horse!  He was a bloody revelation, I'll tell you!  He just waded in, swinging a sword and shouting 'For the EU, Tony Benn and Karl Marx!'  The Russkis just scattered, utterly terrified!"

Tupper's claims have been widely dismissed, with official sources denying that either the Queen, David Cameron or Jeremy Corbyn had been involved in the outbreak of hooliganism.  Indeed, there have been suggestions that his claims might be related to either the tear gas he inhaled or the blow to the head he suffered when hit by a bottle thrown by a Russian hooligan.  "I know what I saw," he retorted.  "Why is the idea that Her Majesty might want to lead her loyal subjects against some foreign bastards?  There's nobody more patriotic than England's football hooligans - she was obviously proud to be leading us from the front.  It was like Henry V at Agincourt all over again!"  Indeed, Tupper has claimed that the Royals were clearly keen to get back to the action in France.  "Didn't you see Prince Philip telling the driver to put his foot down during the motorcade down the Mall on Sunday?" he asked.  "He and the Queen obviously couldn't wait to get the event over and back to France and the violence."



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