Monday, June 06, 2016

Boris Goes Bananas

"It was his own fault - if he hadn't gone near that child it would never have happened," a spokesperson for the Metropolitan police told the press following the shooting of former London Mayor and Brexit campaigner Boris Johnson earlier today.  "People saw this great hulking beast holding a small child by the arm and they just panicked - it was like that business in Cleveland all over again, when they shot that gorilla after that kid climbed into its enclosure."  The full circumstances of the Boris Johnson incident still aren't entirely clear, all that is known is that the right wing buffoon was campaigning in South London, addressing a public meeting when the child somehow managed to climb onto the podium.  "All Boris was trying to do was to remove the child from the podium to a place of safety," one witness claimed.  "But a section of the crowd - probably remain supporters - assumed that he was putting the child at risk and started screaming at Boris, which just panicked him and put him on the defensive."  Other witnesses, however, are adamant that the former Mayor was behaving aggressively.  "He was holding the child over his head with both hands and snarling the the audience," another witness claimed. "I don't see how that can be construed as being 'protective' - quite frankly, I was convinced that he was about to scale the nearest tall building, dragging the kid with him!"

The family of the child say that they have no idea how he ended up on the podium with Johnson.  "We weren't even attending the meeting, we were just walking past," said his mother.  "I only took my eyes off of him for a minute and the next thing I knew, everything was kicking off!"  The mother believes that her four year old's fascination with great apes was undoubtedly what led him into mounting the podium.  "He obviously mistook Boris Johnson for some kind of hominid - an Orang Utang, possibly - and saw an opportunity to actually get closer to one than he'd ever been able to at the zoo," she explained.  "Whilst I understand that his sudden presence must have startled Johnson, there really was no need for the brute to manhandle my boy like that."  In the chaos which followed Boris' interaction with the child, armed police were called to the scene and a single shot fired, felling the former Mayor.  "It was completely unnecessary," opined one animal rights campaigner.  "There are no recorded cases of Boris Johnson ever harming a child - left to his own devices he is basically a passive beast, not known for its intelligence."  The police spokesperson took a different view, pointing out that Johnson does has form for violence.  "Whilst it is true that he has never harmed a child, his kneeing in the groin of a German player in a charity match was seen on TV," they said.  "Then there was that business of him trying to arrange to have that reporter beaten up on behalf of one of his friends.  In view of such incidents, we just couldn't take the chance."  Luckily, Johnson wasn't seriously injured thank to the copious rolls of fat on his body, which absorbed most of the bullet's impact.  However, he is expected to be off the Brexit campaign trail for at least a week.  In the meantime, his place will be taken by a gorilla in a blonde wig.  

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