Monday, June 13, 2016

Red Blooded Bigotry

"God damn it, we've got to take this opportunity to pump these limp wristed homos full of good straight redneck blood," the Reverend Horatio Dump told the media as he organised emergency blood donations in the aftermath of the mass shootings at an Orlando gay nightclub. "Once those boys have had a couple of pints of blood group hetero, they'll be true red blooded American males with eyes only for women's breasts and butts and a desire to stick their privates in the right orifices!"  Dump has been accused of trying to exploit the tragedy in Florida in order to advance his own homophobic agenda, something he strongly denies.  "Look, there's a reason they don't let these gay boys and lesbian ladies donate their blood in this state," he declared.  "They don't want to take the risk of their tainted blood turning good straight folk the other way.  So, the only way to save the injured is to pump them full of good straight blood.  I'm just trying to ensure maximum survival rates by recruiting the fittest most virile donors available - who all happen to be strapping heterosexual rednecks."

He also denies that his belief that homosexuality can be cured via blood transfusion is unscientific nonsense.  "What's nonsense is this cock-eyed modern liberal mumbo jumbo that being gay is somehow 'natural' and in the genes - it's a disease," he asserted.  "Like all diseases it can be transmitted through blood, kissing, sex and sitting on toilet seats.  But it makes those infected weak - not just morally but physically too - so a good dose of stronger, non gay infected, blood can overcome the sickness!"  The Reverend Dump has form for attempting to 'cure' homosexuality: six years ago, after being arrested for sexually assaulting young men behind his church in the Miami suburbs, he claimed in court that he was so heterosexual himself that he could, quite literally, bugger the homosexuality out of gay men.  "My manhood has been blessed by the Lord and I brandish it like a crucifix," he claimed in his defence. "My semen, likewise, has divinely inspired healing powers, able to cure the gay sickness when injected into a diseased body."   He is currently on parole, having served five years of a ten year sentence for sexual assault.  Of the shooter in the Orlando incident, Dump admits to having mixed feelings.  "On the one hand I'd like to say that he was doing God's work, by providing this opportunity to bring a cure to so many gay people," he mused.  "But on the other hand, he was one of those filthy Muslim heretics, so I have to believe that he was inspired by the devil to kill these good American boys and girls.  They might have been homos, but as Christians at least they have the chance of salvation, unlike that Muslim devil, who will be condemned to burn in Hell eternally!"   Dump has been disavowed by other local church leaders, who described his religious beliefs as: 'Highly confused'.



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home