Brexit Coup

With the EU referendum looming, disturbing reports as to the 'Leave' camp's contingency plans in the event they lose the poll have emerged.  "They just aren't going to accept a vote to remain in the EU, regardless of the margin of victory," says Tiberius Fooker, a former 'Leave' campaigner who has recently defected to the 'Remain' camp.  "They're on a mission to seize control of the UK and implement their crackpot schemes, the EU referendum is just a convenient excuse.  If they can carry out a peaceful coup by winning the poll, all the better, as far as they are concerned.  But with opinion polls indicating that the result is on a knife edge, they're preparing military action!"  According to Fooker, the 'Leave' camp has a whole paramilitary structure ready to seize strategic institutions.  "A lot of it is down to Iain Duncan Smith and his military background," explains Fooker.  "He's recruited all these ex-squaddies from his old regiment and has got them ready and waiting to seize post offices, police stations and town halls all over the country.  In London, they are planning to seize all the main government buildings and departments."  This paramilitary coup has been in years in the planning, Frooker claims.  "What do you think all those cuts in defence spending over the past six years were about - austerity?" he asks.  "The idea was to weaken Britain's armed forces sufficiently that they couldn't even defend the UK from being taken over by a bunch of retired old soldiers armed with shotguns, walking sticks and cricket bats!  It's not as if the army could even put any tanks on the streets to protect parliament - they've all been scrapped to save money."

Once they've seized power, the 'Leave' campaign is planning to quickly implement its plans to free the UK of what it sees as pernicious foreign influences.  "The supermarkets will be the first targets," Fooker says.  "They have teams of specially trained storm troopers waiting for the supermarkets to open on Friday morning, when they are going to pile in trash those aisles filled with Polish foods they all have now.  They won't stop there, either.  Any other foods originating in EU nations will be under threat, too.  All that pretentious French bollocks, German sausages and anything pasta-based will be out.  Stuff like curries and Chines food will be OK, though, as that's seen by the Brexit brigade as being traditional British food."  Specialist Polish shops will also come under threat.  "They've got squads of kids, each one issued with a brick, ready to smash their windows," Fooker reveals.  "As for Italian and French restaurants, even as we speak, they are preparing the firebombs." A ban on croissants is also on the cards, with Fooker claiming to have overheard UKIP leader Nigel Farage opining that having anything other than toast for breakfast is traitorous.  "They won't stop at foodstuffs - they are also planning mass round-ups of pets, particularly dogs," the campaigner says.  "What they see as 'foreign' breeds are likely to be interned and destroyed - dogs like German Shepherds, Irish Wolfhounds, French poodles and the like.  There are plans for legislation to prevent people owning any dogs other than good British breeds like King Charles spaniels, Jack Russell terriers and bulldogs.  Cats might be luckier, most of their foreign breeds, like Siamese, Persian and Burmese cats, come from outside the EU.  Nevertheless, all such felines will be subject to investigation of their residency status, as they could be illegal immigrants and taking up positions which could be filled by British moggies."  Challenged over these allegations, senior Brexit figures refused to comment, with Boris Johnson merely mumbling and waving his arms about and Nigel Farage braying like an ass.