Identity Crisis

"Look, it was an innocent mistake. When we gave him a new identity, it wasn't meant to be that of a peadophile," a Home Office spokesperson told a press conference, defending his department from criticism that it had failed to adequately monitor child murderer Jon Venables, following his release on licence. "Ordinarily we give such people really innocuous new identities - mild mannered bank clerks, illiterate street sweepers, simple-minded porn movie fluffers, that sort of thing. Unfortunately, in this case, something went horribly wrong." It has been revealed that Venables - jailed at age ten in 1993 for his part in the murder of a two year old child, and now charged with possession of child pornography - had, following his release on licence in 2001, been given the new identity of one Max Crubbler, an internet child porn obsessed data entry clerk. "So, you see, this latest business isn't really his fault at all," says the spokesperson. "When he downloaded that kiddie porn, he was just acting in character. If he hadn't, his cover could have been blown and his true identity revealed, putting him at risk from tabloid-inspired lynch mobs."

The Home Office maintains that the Venables debacle is an isolated incident in an otherwise highly successful scheme to provide controversial criminals released on licence, high level informers and defectors with new identities. "It's the first time we've had any problems," insists the spokesperson. "In the past we had a meat cleaver maniac who slaughtered seven people in a Turkish bath, who enjoyed a whole new life as a pastry chef. Right now, we've got an ex-IRA terrorist turned super grass who is very happy as a gay hair dresser. Neither of them ever re-offended." Nevertheless, questions remain, and the Home Office refuses to be drawn on the question of exactly why it apparently has off-the-shelf sex offender identities set up in the first place. "What's going on? Do they provide these identities to debauched politicians who want to indulge in illegal sex activities without being caught?" asks Daily Excess columnist Jake Ballsack. "Who knows what other identities they have available - mass murderers, Nazi war criminals, slavering sex fiends - to allow the great and the good to indulge their most depraved fantasies?"