Night Mayor in London

There are growing calls for Boris Johnson to be culled, following claims that the London Mayor had mauled two children whilst they slept. According to the children's mother, thirty-two year old Brenda Flange, the Mayor sneaked into her Balham home on Saturday night, whilst she and her partner watched television. "We'd left the patio doors open because it was so hot - that's how he must of got in," she says. "The stealthy bastard must have crawled behind the sofa, before creeping upstairs while we watched Britain's Got Talent." Flange was alerted to the attack when she heard the children, aged five and three, screaming in terror. "I rushed up the stairs, thinking they were having nightmares,or something," she told a local newspaper. "But when I reached their room I was shocked to find Boris Johnson standing there, bold as brass!" According to Flange, the London Mayor didn't attempt to flee, instead standing his ground. "He just stood there, staring at me and making some kind of unintelligible mumbling sound," she recalls. "Even when my partner ran into the room and lunged at him, Boris refused to move, he just waved his arms and blustered a bit more."

Several of the Flange's neighbours have told the press that, since his election as Mayor, Johnson has been becoming ever bolder in his forays into the borough. "Before he beat Ken Livingstone you'd never have seen him outside of Kensington or Knightsbridge, and certainly not this far South of the river," opined Jim Glerk. "But lately he's been seen around Balham in broad daylight, exhibiting no fear of the local working classes whatsoever." According to Glerk, Johnson seemed particularly active during the recent elections, often seen running with other local Conservatives. "I'll tell you, I was amazed at their audacity," admits Glerk. "They were going right up to people's front doors, sticking leaflets through the letter boxes. A couple of times, I even saw them knock!"

However, many experts have cast doubt upon Flange's allegations, pointing out that there has never been a recorded instance of Boris Johnson attacking a child. "Everybody knows that, despite its bluster, Johnson is essentially a gentle, inoffensive creature," says David Cameron, who claims to have known the Mayor since he was a cub. "He's far more likely to be found scavenging for votes, than savaging children." Indeed, Cameron believes that the whole incident was a misunderstanding, and that the Mayor had actually been trying to canvass the children for votes. "Obviously, he was confused - who wouldn't be with poll ratings like his - and forgot that they were too young to vote," he says. "Let's not forget that when examined by doctors, it was found that the children had suffered no physical injuries, they merely suffered a severe shock." Cameron even suspects that Johnson could be being made a scapegoat. "We have no proof beyond the Flange's word that he was ever in the house," he points out. "I mean, are they even fit parents? They admit to watching Britain's Got Talent, for God's sake? Isn't it possible the children were traumatised by being allowed to watch that, and these people are using Boris as a scapegoat to cover up their mistreatment?" Despite Cameron's protestations, calls for a cull grow unabated, with the local council confirming that a local Conservative councillor trapped in the garden of the Flange house had been gassed. "We know it's not quite the same thing as a Mayor," said a spokesperson. "But it's the principle that matters."