Celebrity Sex Addiction (Part Two)

“The key to treating sex addiction is the proper regulation of the body’s naturally produced sexual energy”, explains Tom Reltney, a disciple of pioneering sex researcher Wihelm Reich. “Suppressing the orgasm is also essential, as the moment of climax releases chemicals into the brain which can become addictive, forcing the addict to try and achieve more frequent and powerful orgasms”. Before proper therapies for the affliction were developed, sufferers would sometimes try and control their urges themselves, usually employing very crude means. “Jack Kennedy was known to favour shoving his genitalia into a bucketful of ice”, Reltney reveals. “When he couldn’t get enough ice, he’d sometimes resort to simply sticking his knob in the fridge for half an hour. His brother Bobby reputedly used to try and literally beat down unwanted erections with a sawn-off baseball bat - it was said that several times during the Cuban Missile Crisis he could be heard in the White House toilet stalls screaming “Be gone you evil bastard!”.” Thankfully, we now live in more enlightened times, where establishments such as 'Downshires' can safely treat celebrity sufferers with scientifically proven remedies.

Naturally, the clinic imposes a strict regime on its patients - no unregulated sexual activity is allowed for the duration of their treatment, not even light masturbation. Their libidos are kept repressed by a variety of means, including traditional cold showers and aversion therapy - patients are often forced to stare at naked images of Anne Widdecombe for hours on end. They are only allowed to release their sexual energy under strictly controlled circumstances, often under hypnosis. “The aim is for them to relieve their erotic tensions in a strictly non-orgasmic manner”, says Reltney. “Usually they are hypnotised and allowed to ejaculate safely. This, combined with a form of acupuncture which helps the energy to flow safely through the body’s key nodal points, allows them to establish a self- regulated form of sexual activity, with orgasms being rationed to one a week”.

Obviously, maintaining this pattern of behaviour outside the clinic is the real challenge for many patients. Sometimes a keyword can be hypnotically implanted in the patient’s subconscious - when sexual energy levels become dangerously high, the patient is triggered to speak the word out loud this, in turn, will set off a safe, non-orgasmic, ejaculation. Reltney believes that President Clinton may have received such therapy - although he suspects that too obvious a keyword was used: “If you watch footage of him at his last arms summit with Yeltsin, you’ll notice how he grips the edge of the table so hard his knuckles go white, every time anyone mentions the words “ballistic missiles”. Also, when he’s asked a question about “ballistic missiles” at the press conference, he suddenly doubles up, clutches at his groin and shouts “Jesus!”. However, I could be wrong on this one”. Aversion therapy can be also used outside the clinic to reinforce the treatment regime, although Reltney denies that he ever advised Robbie Williams to go out with former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell as a means of putting him off of sex.