In Bed With David Cameron

New details of the negotiations between David Cameron and Nick Clegg over a possible Conservative-Lib Dem coalition have emerged. "No deal's been sealed yet, but there's undoubtedly a strong mutual attraction," says Dan Pitcher, political correspondent of top gay magazine High Greek. "It was obvious even during the election campaign, when Cameron discreetly squeezed Clegg's left buttock as they left the stage after the Sky News Leaders' Debate." According to Pitcher, Cameron's flirtation continued during an initial meeting between between the Consevative and Lib Dem leaderships in the aftermath of the hung parliament. "It was when they got onto the subject of fiscal policy - Cameron apparently leant forward and stroked the inside of Clegg's thigh as he looked him in the eye and earnestly discussed banking regulation," says the journalist. "Everyone present was left in no doubt that a connection was made." A series of one-on-one meetings between the two ensued, with the aim of cementing the union. "Cameron took him to a candle lit dinner in a private room at one of London's top restaurants," claims Pitcher. "They spent all evening playing footsie under the table as Cameron tried to convince Clegg of the virtues of his 'Big Society'." However, according to Pitcher, rumours that the dinner ended with a kiss are wide of the mark. "Clegg's an old-fashioned guy, and he doesn't kiss on a first date," he says. "Mind you, there's no doubt that by this stage Cameron was getting tired of making all the running - after that dinner and the flowers he'd sent Clegg, he felt he was entitled to expect Clegg to put out, and commit to swallowing something firm and concrete."

Consequently, the venue for the next meeting was a luxury suite in one of London's top hotels. "Cameron originally wanted something more subtle, like a weekend at a small country Bed and Breakfast," observes Pitcher. "But the Tories' Home Affairs spokesman, Chris Grayling, just didn't approve of it." Although Clegg was clearly overawed by his surroundings, much to Cameron's frustration, he still refused to consummate the deal. "Cameron had actually managed to get Clegg into bed with him, silk sheets, the lot, but he point blank refused to go all the way without a promise of some kind of protection," Pitcher explains. "Without a commitment to, at the very least, a referendum on proportional representation, there was no way he was going to agree to a full union. Well, there's no way a traditionalist like Cameron was going to agree to that - he sticks to the principle that if he comes first then he shouldn't have to pull out. Of forming a government, that is." However, the whole relationship has now been thrown into doubt, following Prime Minister Gordon Brown's latest propositioning of Clegg. "Initially Clegg had rejected the craggy charms of the older man, obviously being more attracted by Cameron's smooth charms," says Pitcher. "But with Brown now offering to stand aside and leave the field open for David Milliband, the game's changed completely. My sources are telling me that he's very open to a back door approach from the Foreign Secretary." Not everyone is convinced by Pitcher's analysis of the situation. "Everybody knows that Clegg originally knocked Brown back because he can't handle a real man," opines Jimmy Nance of rival publication Sugar Mama. "But as it turned out, Cameron was too much for him to handle - according to my sources, a deal foundered on Cameron's demands that Clegg black up and dress as a prostitute. He ran screaming from the room, straight back into the arms of Brown!" The claims of both correspondents have been roundly rejected by both the Lib Dems and Conservatives.