Springwatch Dogging Special

"Welcome to the Springwatch dogging special. As you join us, we're positioned in our hide beside a B-road in Berkshire, withing sight of a busy lay-by known to be one of the area's most popular dogging spots. This is shaping up to be an extraordinary broadcast, isn't it Kate?"

"Yes Chris, we're hoping to see some real wild action here today. As everyone knows, this is the time of year that impromptu outdoor sex really blossoms. The fine weather and warm temperatures tempt the usually shy and furtive doggers out of their cars, into the open. Sometimes even in daylight."

"Sorry, I'll have to stop you there Kate, as I've just had word that a car has been spotted turning into the lane. Yes, I can see him now. He's slowing down. Is he going to sop? I think he's about to pull into the lay-by - no, he's driving on. He seems confused. Something's spooked him - perhaps he's spotted one of our camera crews. Wait, wait. He's coming back, yes, he's pulling in! Perhaps we'll see some action now."

"I don't know Chris, he seems to be on his own. Of course, we might witness some solo action if he's got some jazz mags with him. A bit disappointing if that's all we see, but better than nothing. Hang on, another car is coming - they're slowing down. Yes, they're pulling up in front of the first one, and I think - yes, it is, it's definitely a female!"

"Very promising Kate - let's hope she doesn't lose her nerve and bolt. I can see her looking round. She seems reassured by the discarded, rain damaged porn magazines strewn in the hedgerow and the used condoms hanging from the trees. She's definitely interested. Oh yes! She's flashing her brake lights in the universally recognised mating signals of doggers the world over!"

"Indeed Chris, and now the male is getting out of his car and approaching hers. I must say that he's a fine specimen, the best I've seen in a long time. Oh! She's getting out too! Now they're both climbing onto the back seat of her vehicle! Let's go over to Bill Oddie, who's concealed in the lay-by's litter bin, for a blow-by-blow commentary on what's developing."

"Oh yes, Kate! There's no messing about with this pair - they're straight down to it! In fact, it looks as if it might, quite literally, turn out to be blow-by-blow! Oh, what a magnificent pair! And I've never seen one whipped out so quick! Go on, get in there! Fwooar! That's right mate, give 'em a squeeze! Oooh! Bloody hell missus!"