Hollywood Radicals

In a new Hollywood development, movie moguls have described as “totally false” allegations that a petition signed by over five hundred film stars, directors, writers and assorted hangers on had been sent to Osama bin Laden in the wake of 9/11, condemning his terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, as these had caused severe trauma to their egos by implying that Hollywood was utterly insignificant. Neither did this non-existent document call upon Al Qaeda to consider Los Angeles as a future target, due to its greater concentration of important public figures essential to the US' cultural existence. Indeed, the Hollywood Screen Actors Guild has moved quickly to scotch reports that many of its members had suffered breakdowns and had been forced back into therapy, their sense self-worth destroyed by the terrorists’ decision to ignore them.

The Guild also denied that several of its members had campaigned against Guantanamo Bay, demanding that they be incarcerated there for their anti-war stances. The agents of George Clooney, Barbara Streisand and Sean Penn, amongst others, have poured scorn on claims that their clients had written to the government, complaining that the authorities' failure to arrest them was an insult to their radical politics and part of a conspiracy to marginalise left of centre political activity in the US. According to highly placed sources in the film industry, Matt Damon did not claim that he deserved to be locked up in Camp X-Ray as making films like Syriana was every bit as subversive as blowing up buildings and hijacking airliners. He also, at no time, complained that the government was undermining his credibility by denying him the chance to become a martyr for his 'art'.