The Fiendish Plot of the Ginger Tosser

The pressures of fame and fortune can send even the toughest of stars over the edge, especially when their celebrity seems to be in imminent danger of slipping away. In the dark days after the cancellation of his TFI Friday show by Channel Four and his sacking from Virgin Radio, former madcap ginger DJ Chris Evans allegedly took to fantasising that he was legendary stereotypical oriental villain Fu Manchu, growing a long droopy moustache and dressing in flowing oriental robes. "He even took to taping back the corners of his eyes so they looked slitty," claims Dave Tronker, who once bought cigarettes in the same corner shop as Evans. "He dyed his skin yellow too - either that or his liver was packing up with all that boozing he was doing." The one-time zany prankster also reportedly converted the cellar of his Surrey mansion into a laboratory cum torture chamber, from where he plotted bizarre revenges against the media executives who cancelled his shows.

His schemes allegedly included replacing top TV and radio executives with surgically created doubles who proceed to destroy their reputations by wrecking their stations’ ratings, whilst the originals were horribly tortured in the Evans’ cellar - their eyes pinned open whilst they were forced to watch endless reruns of Evans fawning over celebrity guests on his TV show. Several media pundits believe that this could explain Virgin Radio’s plummeting audience share. Perhaps the most fiendish weapon in Evans’ armoury was his child bride Billie Piper. Following an overdose of botox during a cosmetic procedure to enhance her lips, it is alleged that the former teen singing sensation’s kiss is became truly venomous. "Apparently he used to send her out to seduce and tantalise his enemies before giving them her kiss of death," says Arnie Ripwick, who worked as a clerk at the solicitors that represented Piper during her divorce, before he was sacked for selling confidential information about high profile clients to the tabloids. DJ Steve Penk - who replaced Evans at Virgin - was reportedly left gasping and semi-paralysed after a full-on snog from the sex siren of death. Although doctors were able to treat him with anti-venom in the nick of time, Penk never fully recovered and was been forced to step down from his Virgin show.

Top psychologist Eddie Hawick, who has been studying celebrity insanity for several years on behalf of several tabloid newspapers, believes that Evans' Fu Manchu delusion is the most extreme case of celebrity madness the media has exaggerated since 1980's pop sensation Adam Ant flipped his lid and terrorised London in the guise of an outlaw. He was finally apprehended when, wearing a tri-cornered hat, thigh-length riding boots, a mask and brandishing a flintlock pistol, he burst into a London pub and attempted to rob startled drinkers. Declaring that he was “a dandy highwayman”, he proceeded to tell astonished customers to “stand and deliver - your money or your life” before taking their valuables. Only two weeks earlier the former Adam and the Ants front man - dressed as a pirate - had terrorised a Thames pleasure cruiser full of sightseers - forcing two Japanese tourists to walk the plank at sword point. “There’s no doubt that the trigger for this sort of celebrity behaviour is usually the imminent ending of their fifteen minutes of fame as they see their fickle fans deserting them for the next passing media sensation," opines Hawick. "Their apparent spectacular headlong tumble into the abyss of insanity represents one final attention-seeking attempt to desperately cling to their shattered dreams. Frankly, I fear that their pantomime antics have set back the public’s perception of mental illness by decades.”