Cooking Up Trouble

Has Jamie Oliver finally lost it, following the rejection of his healthy school dinners initiative by Britain's children? Acquaintances of the mockney tosser were apparently shocked by his bizarre behaviour at a dinner party he recently held. “He was still preparing the food when we arrived - I was amazed when he dropped his trousers and began to crack eggs between the cheeks of his arse,” says one guest. “There was raw egg yolk running between his cheeks and all down his legs, bits of cracked eggshell were matted into his pubes and arse hair - that can’t be hygienic, surely.” Incredibly, Oliver managed to collect some of the yolk in a bowl clutched between his knees and used it to whip up a soufflé - there were few takers for this dish. However, worse was to come when the dessert course was reached. “He whipped out his plonker, slapped it down on a plate and proceeded to pour red hot custard over it, shouting ‘Anyone for spotted dick?’,” another guest confided. “I was shocked - even by his low standards of wit that was a pretty crap joke.” Despite a severely scalded penis, the culinary host still wasn’t finished. “Over coffee he asked if anyone wanted any fruit, then proceeded to remove the seeds from several grapes by inserting them under his foreskin and squeezing, shouting ‘pukka’ as each pip flew out,” says a shocked guest.

TV chefs are notoriously highly strung and easily stung by criticism. It is alleged that Gordon Ramsey once responded to a diner's complaint that his steak was under cooked by dropping his pants, crouching over the offending meat and breaking wind, lighting the noxious anal eruption as it burst forth. It is claimed that he then slapped the still smouldering steak down in front of the customer, asking "Is that well done enough for you?" There have also been claims that Marco Pierre White once stirred an awkward customer's soup with his penis, whilst allegations that Anthony Worral Thompson once served up a chocolate mousse in the shape of a huge turd to a hostile restaurant critic are rife. Nevertheless, even by celebrity chef standards, Oliver's behaviour has been extremely bizarre. Following the dinner party incident, it is alleged that the self-styled 'Naked Chef' decided to live up to his nickname and spent the next day working the kitchen of his restaurant completely nude. "It wasn't conducive to good dining," says one customer who claims to have witnessed the whole incident. "People were picking his pubes out of their teeth all lunch time." Not surprisingly, the chef has vehemently denied all of the allegations. "Bleedin' hell missus, can't they give it a rest?" he told a reporter. "I dunno what I've ever done to upset anyone, but they're always makin' up all this kind of pallaver abaht me!"