Celebrity Tit Wank

"Obviously, with phone-in TV quizzes - which make up the bulk of our current overnight programming - completely discredited, we're looking to revamp our all night schedules with more credible and worthwhile programming," ITV Chairman Michael Grade, puffing on his trademark cigar, told a press conference. "Celebrity Tit Wank, in which several big-busted micro celebrities will attempt to wank off various Z-list personalities using only their breasts, is to be the mainstay of our new weekday schedules." With viewers able to bet by phone on which celeb will ejaculate over whose breasts first, ITV hopes to retain much of its current over night quiz audience. "Clearly, such a programme is going to appeal to a predominantly young heterosexual male audience," Grade conceded. "To satisfy older viewers and those of differing sexual orientations, we have Up the Chutney, in which a studio audience has to judge which celebrities take it up the chutney most by the expressions on their faces as they are anally penetrated by the show's host." The ITV supremo added that the show would also feature a light-hearted round where the celebrities would have to guess what the 'penetrator' had smothered their penis in - margarine, crunchy peanut butter, olive oil, even chutney.

Grade assured the gathered journalists that the new over night schedules wouldn't entirely consist of sexually-orientated gameshows. "We're developing a very exciting format for Keith Allen, in which he surprises unsuspecting public figures by farting at them through a long brass horn," he explained. "There's a very amusing sequence in the pilot in which Keith nearly gives former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher a heart attack when he slips his horn through the open window of her living room while she's asleep in an armchair. He gets the bell-end right next to her ear before letting rip! She's so startled by the amplified trump she falls out her chair clutching at her chest. Pure satirical genius, I think you'll agree." Grade also outlined plans for 'hidden camera' show, in which the presenters would risk life and limb baiting notoriously short-tempered and violent celebrities. "It's a bit like an urban version of the late Steve Irwin's programmes," he muses. "It's real edge of the seat stuff, as the likes of Russel Crowe charge the camera." Grade dismisses suggestions that the proposed new over night schedule is, if anything, even more down market than existing offerings. "Big breasts, masturbation, taking it up the bum, farting and drunken violence - our new programmes are perfectly tailored to the average post-pub post-midnight viewer," he claimed, casually flicking cigar ash over a Sun reporter. "Far form showing contempt for our audiences, I'd say we're actually in danger of over estimating their intelligence."