Flushed Away

You know how they always talk about that electricity surge after things like the World Cup Final? You know - all those people going to put the kettle on simultaneously blows the National Grid. Well, what I want to know is this: is there a similar water surge as everybody takes a leak or a dump after such events? After all, if you are transfixed by some major sporting event, you do tend to 'hold it all in' until either the half-time or full-time whistle. Last night's World Cup Final would have been even worse - what with the extra time and the penalty shoot-out. The latter is just the sort of thing to have true football fans clenching their buttocks and hoping to dear God that they don't touch cloth until the tenth kick has been made. Anyway, getting back to the point, a mass flush of this type would surely put a massive strain on our antiquated sewage system - I'm very surprised that the authorities don't issue warnings.

It can only be a matter of time before some live televised event proves such a stomach churner that the consequent effluent surge results in the whole sewage network becoming chocked, resulting in toilets backing up and shit pouring down people's walls. Even worse, it could cause the pipes to rupture, with tides of liquid shit consequently flooding our streets. Perhaps the worst case scenario would be enough pressure building up in the blocked pipes to cause a huge explosion - a sort of brown Vesuvius throwing excrement up into the sky. Future generations of archeologists would undoubtedly excavate perfectly preserved shit-encrusted bodies from the site...

I'm doubly amazed that no warnings have been issued bearing in mind all the warnings of water shortages there have been recently. A massive surge of flushing could severely deplete Britain's supply of drinking water. Can you imagine the consequences? Not just water rationing for drinking purposes, but for toilet flushing too. You'd only be allowed two flushes a day (one in the most severely affected areas), and would have to keep beating down the build-up of crap in the toilet with a shovel. Anyone exceeding this limit would have their toilet sealed off - with that hazard tape they use at accidents crossed over the bowl - and told to dig a hole in the garden, instead. Perhaps they could approach the problem from the other side - ration the number of dumps anyone can have over a given period. Coupons or ration cards could be issued for each week - you hand in a coupon every time you take crap. Maybe they could come up with alternatives to the traditional dump - powdered shit, for instance. Its just a matter of time before it happens. Just remember; you heard it here first!