Dishonoured - Again

So here we are, another Queen's Birthday Honour List and still nothing for me! Not even a bloody MBE, for God's sake! Year in, year out I anxiously scan the lists as soon as they are published, and every year the same - my name is conspicuous by its absence. What do I have to do for recognition? Am I any less worthy than the has-been sportsmen, past-it luvvies and super-annuated politicians who get given honours every year? Am I any less worthy than those other public service functionaries, dinner ladies and lollipop persons who get given the scraps, honour-wise, every year? Why does her Majesty so consistently ignore me? (Actually, to digress, this isn't mere paranoia - many years ago I was walking down Whitehall one lunchtime when the Queen's motorcade came past, she completely ignored me, whilst her guest, Nelson Mandela, had the good grace to wave to me. I was well pissed off - a loyal servant to the crown for many years, and she literally turns and looks the other way!)

Of course, I haven't won any sporting honours, staged Shakespeare revivals or even donated huge wads of cash to either of the major political parties. Nonetheless, I really think that I deserve some recognition for my services to British sleaze. After all, if the press are to believed, sleaze is the fastest growing area of Britain's economy. I also seem to remember there being claims at the time of Labour's first landslide victory, that it was sleaze which had won it for them! Surely my contribution deserves at least an OBE in light of this? It has a certain ring, Doc Sleaze OBE, doesn't it? Ah well, I suppose I'll just have to wait for the New Year's Honours list. Look, if anybody involved in nominating people for honours is reading this, if you find yourself stuck for a name around December time, just use mine. OK?