Fat Chance!

Apparently the latest strategy to be deployed by the government in the war against childhood obesity is to offer morbidly obese children fat-removing operations on the NHS. Several thoughts sprang into my mind when I heard about this. Foremost amongst them was: isn't this just a licence for kids to stuff themselves full of every fatty food imaginable? I mean, if you thought that, up to the age of sixteen, you'd have all your excess fat cut away free of charge, would you have bothered eating healthily or exercising? Of course not - every time you got morbidly obese again, it would simpy be a quick trip to your GP to say "hey Doc, I need some blubber sucked away, book me in for next week. Oh, and make out sure I'm on a full-sugar Coke drip when I come round." The strain this would place on the Health Service would undoubtedly prove catastrophic! The other thought which struck me was: what will they do with all that excess fat they remove - will we end up with blubber mountains, like those EU butter mountains and wine lakes we always used to hear about (but, disappointingly, never see)? Perhaps they could ship it to the Third World for starving Africans to clog up their arteries - let's face it, fat choked arteries and high levels of heart disease have to be the ultimate symbol of a successful consumer society.

Of course, this plan also raises the question of whether it is morally right to go around stealing these fat kids blubber. They might enjoy being fat - after all, we're always being told how unhealthy it is to be as thin Victoria Beckham. Perhaps they're just gluttons. Besides, I like obese people. They make me feel thin and healthy. Trust me, there's no greater boost to a man slipping into middle-aged spread than standing at the bar between two gross wobble-bottoms. Suddenly you're convinced that you'll be beating ther birds off with a stick, your physique is so manly... Apart from that, the grossly overweight are hugely entertaining. I just love it when I come round a corner to find one crossing the road. I always put my foot down and make them run the last few yards! It is great watching them huff, puff and wobble their way to safety! It is a toss up as to whether your car or a heart attack will kill them first! The only thing which worries me is how much damage one of them might do if I actually hit them. I remember that a young deer which ran in front of my car once did a couple of thousand quids worth of damage. The average obese wobbler is far bulkier than a deer. Hell, I'm insured!

OK, Iknow, I'm a cruel bastard! But a man has to entertain himself some way!