The War on Beards

You know, I have nothing against beards per se, a neatly trimmed and modest beard can be a great asset to a man (or woman, if she wants to work as a circus freak), but I really cannot abide unkempt straggly beards. I'm sorry, they just give me the creeps. Apart from what they imply about the wearer (psychiatric patient), there's just no telling what might be lurking in that bushy growth: all manner of creepy-crawlies, not to mention nesting housemartins and possibly Lord Lucan. About the only group who can get away with wearing such beards are tramps. Indeed, they are the fashion accessory for the modern dosser - it just completes that total unkempt look, complementing the shit-stained trousers, vomit splashed sole-less trainers and four pack of Special Brew. However, what might be fine for itinerant broken down old sad bastards really won't do when it comes to more respectable members of society. I particularly dislike the combination of a straggly beard with a suit - it just makes the wearer look like some hillbilly psycho who put on his best suit to come into town for an appointment with a twenty dollar whore.

I truly believe that action needs to be taken against straggly beard wearers. There should be government legislation governing the length of beards, and banning them from crowded public places. I've always found these straggly beards most intimidating when I'm forced into close proximity with them on trains and tubes - I have this overpowering fear that they are going to lunge at me tentacle-like and try and suck my face off. In fact, I think that trains should have straggly-beard free carriages - they could have 'No-Straggly-Beard' stickers like 'No Smoking ' or 'No Mobile Phones' stickers, on the windows. I'd like to emphasise again that I have nothing against neatly trimmed beards. Indeed, I once sported one myself, when I was briefly in Manchester a few years ago - in the space of a few hours I was mistaken for one of the Gallagher brothers, bumped into the late George Best and was propositioned by a prostitute. However, that's another story entirely.

I know I'm not the only one with this view of unkempt beards - just look at the way wearers of such beards are depicted. Every Islamist terrorist these days is depicted as having a wild three foot long beard. Indeed, in London these days possession of such a beard is just about the only grounds the Metropolitan Police needs to get a warrant to raid your house and shoot you on the grounds you might have a chemical toilet (or weapon). There are times, when I see footage from Afghanistan, that the 'War on Terror' seems more like a 'War on Beards'. But it goes back to long before this present anti-terror crusade. Just look at Rasputin - heavily bearded and a religious nutter. In westerns, crazy gold prospectors usually have huge beards and no teeth, as do villainous cattle rustlers like Old Man Clanton in M y Darling Clementine and corrupt judges like Roy Bean in The Westerner (both played, coincidentally, by Walter Brennan). It is embedded deep in the human subconscious: straggly beard = nutter. So, trim those beards or we'll do it for you! Yes, if the government refuses to take action, I propose the formation of gangs of vigilante barbers armed with razors, shears and shaving foam, to roam Britain's streets, forcibly trimming any beardy weirdies they encounter!