The Scorching Wind

As someone who goes by the monicker of 'Doc', I'm often asked for medical advice. Now, no matter how many times I try to explain that I'm not actually a doctor medicine, there are still people who insist on telling me about their aches, pains and intimate medical problems. Worse still, there are plenty who insist on showing me their warts, verukas, rashes infections and scars. Sadly, there don't seem to be many attractive young ladies willing to take their clothes off for medical examinations, though. Anyway, getting back to the point, there is one piece of advice I can impart, based upon personal experience: if in doubt, fart. I know that might seem a tad unusual, (and somewhat at odds with the sentiments I expressed in an earlier post), but let me explain.

A couple of years ago, one cold late Autumn night, after coming home from the pub, I noticed this nagging pain in my lower back, just above my right kidney. Thinking it was the result of my sitting awkwardly in my armchair whilst watching a post-pub video, I went to bed, only to find the pain persisting. Beginning to get worried, I reluctantly determined that if it was still there in the morning, I'd see a doctor. Of course, the pain didn't wake me up, instead it woke me up in the early hours of the morning. However, as I turned over in bed in an attempt to ease the pain, I involuntarily let rip a huge fart. When I say huge, I mean that it was so ferocious that it rattled the windows, sent flocks of sleeping birds into the air as the awoke in panic and set off car alarms in a two mile radius. Miraculously, the pain vanished as this might eruption of methane left my body.

So there you have it; far from seeing breaking wind as a sometimes socially embarrassing bodily function which is best not mentioned in polite society, we should actually view at as having definite therapeutic values. Clearly, a good fart literally helps cleanse the body of ill winds. Obviously, a build up of noxious gases can't be healthy - so let 'em go! Better out than in, as they say. In fact, as the old man tells Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen at the end of The Magnificent Seven; "You are like the wind that cleanses the land and then moves on". I couldn't put it better myself. So the next time you let one rip which is so hot it scorches your cheeks and burns a hole in your under wear, just imagine the damage it would have done if you'd held it in! Let the scorching winds blow through your innards, then move swiftly on!