Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Back Passages of History

"We all like to think of our Victorian ancestors as sexually repressed prudes, who even covered up the legs of pianos, for fear that the sight of them would result in widespread sexual abandon,” claims top TV historian Professor Simon Smutt, famed for his TV series such as the Back Passages of History and Great Queens of England. "However, the newly discovered secret sex diaries of Queen Victoria reveals a very different picture!"  According to Smutt, not only do the diaries - allegedly discovered down the back of a radiator during renovations at Queen Victoria's summer residence, Osborne House, on the Isle of Wight - reveal that Her Majesty, far from being 'not amused' by sex was actually a seething hot bed of erotic passions, but that the entire country was simultaneously in the throes of a sexual revolution. Indeed, for a few brief years sexuality was openly celebrated in Britain, with people regularly copulating in public and pornography becoming respectable, the historian claims. 

Smutt alleges that Queen Victoria’s secret diaries reveal that she became besotted with notorious explorer Major James Cunnikin (who was credited with introducing no less than fifty three hitherto unknown sexual positions to the UK, including doggy-style), and succumbed to his advances in the grounds of Balmoral Castle in early 1863. “With a cry of ‘Madam, touch my vitals, before I die!’, he revealed his tumescent manhood!” She chronicled. “I replied, ‘Turn your passions upon me! I lie in wait, my avenue too fair, too open to be miss'd!.’ My very being dissolved into waves of pleasure and liquid pearls as he thrust into me. ‘Sir, redouble the active energy of your thrusts, lest I die from my own inflamed appetites’’ I cried, before declaring, ‘It is too much, I cannot bear it!’, as our passion climaxed. Oh delicious deliriums! I lay pleasure-drench'd and spent. ‘I am stir'd beyond bearing with your furious agitation's within me, gorged and cramm'd, even to surfeit!’ I told him. ‘Your lascivious touches have lighted up a new fire that wanton'd through all my veins!’” However, with the diaries scheduled for serialisation in next week's Daily Mail, rival historian Dr David Starkers has come forward to claim that they are an obvious fake, written in biro in a school exercise book and probably dating back no further than the early 1970s.  Undeterred, Smutt has already announced his next project – the Queen Mother’s career as an undercover MI6 operative, including her seduction of Josef Stalin, Chairman Mao and Fidel Castro, based on a bundle of letters recently found in a hedgerow near Windsor Castle.



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