Monday, May 12, 2014

Celebrity Suicide Pacts

How my spirits soared at today's headlines that Richard and Judy had entered into a suicide pact.  At last, I thought, these minor league celebrities and daytime TV detritus are finally accepting that they no longer have any useful role to perform, so self annihilation is the only option.  Now, I know that we shouldn't rejoice or feel happy at the possible demise of another human being, but in the case of z-listers, I feel we might be allowed to make an exception, particularly if their demise is to be at their own hands and of their own choice.  It has long bothered me that, with all these reality TV shows and talent shows, we're creating new 'celebrities' so fast that the market is in danger of being saturated: there just aren't enough gossip columns, tabloid articles or digital TV panel shows to accommodate them all.  On top of that, we have all the pre-existing minor celebrities refusing to loosen their grip on their 'fame' and desperately trying to stay in the limelight.  Clearly, something has to be done.  I've often suspected that some kind of cull would be required - like they do with deer or badgers to keep their numbers down.

However, I've always baulked at the idea of having snipers in hides on the streets of London, taking potshots at passing former Britain's Got Talent contestants scurrying on their way to another ITV2 audition or Power Tools Monthly photo-shoot, or, worse still, former reality TV stars being lured into a fake Big Brother house and gassed.  Far too cruel and inhumane.  But if they are to engineer their own demise, well, that's surely the perfect solution all round?  Moreover, if Richard and Judy (the King and Queen of daytime dreck) want to take the lead and set an example, the all the better. 
Sadly, as it turned out, they hadn't agreed to do each other in immediately, but had simply entered into a mutual agreement to assist the other in committing euthanasia in the event of terminal illness.  But perhaps all is not lost.  Maybe we can persuade all these surplus to requirements micro celebrities that euthanasia is the way to go.  After all, it would give them a last blaze of publicity.  Clearly, we need to persuade the Swiss to set up special euthanasia clinics dedicated to ending the torment of unfulfilled minor celebrities...



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