Monday, January 10, 2011

Castaway Holocaust (Part One)

For no ther reason than I was short of something to post (I'm working on various stuff for both here and The Sleaze, which is proving more than a little time consuming), I decided to present the original version of a story which eventualy became Castaway Apocalypse in two parts. On the whole, I think the later version is a vast improvement, but this earlier draft isn't without merit. If nothing else, it provides an insight into the creative process behind the stuff I publish over at The Sleaze, which, after all, was originally one of the purposes of this blog. Anyway, without further ado, here's the first part of the original draft of Castaway Apocalypse:

It has come to light that a reality TV project became so out of hand that the BBC was eventually forced to resort to military intervention in order to resolve a major crisis. Whilst the main Castaway project proceeded fairly smoothly, BBC insiders have admitted to the existence of a Castaway Site Two, situated on another remote Scottish island, which ended in disaster. This project, designed as a fallback in case the main Taransay project proved abortive, concluded with an armed stand-off as the participants opened fire on the boat sent to rescue them and refused to leave.

Bad weather conditions had resulted in contact being lost with the group very early on and, faced with failing crops and sick livestock, the thirty-five islanders - under the leadership of charismatic university lecturer Frank Summerisle - had formed a bizarre fertility cult. Documentary footage eventually recovered from the island revealed some of the strange rites performed by this cult. These included mass male masturbations over the cultivated areas to try and make them fertile, and the ritual buggering of pigs in an attempt to make them more fecund. At the centre of the cult was the worship of a huge wicker penis, which was ritually burned every equinox, whilst the naked islanders, daubed with paint derived from sheep dung, danced around it. The whole ceremony was presided over by the heavily bearded Summerisle, also naked, except for a hand-painted giant phallus fashioned from drift-wood, and his high priests. These included stereotypical retired Birmingham builder Bill Capper and bisexual flight attendant Roger Dabney. The ceremonies would culminate in a sexual frenzy, with the islanders roaring drunk on a local alcoholic brew derived from fermented seaweed and fortified with human urine.

Sociologists who have studied the footage have noted that the cult quickly developed a clear hierarchical structure, presided over by the male elders who formed the priesthood. The younger members of the group found themselves at the bottom of the totem pole, forced to gain favour by granting sexual favours to the elders. Indeed, token upper-class pretty-boy Tim Beagle and irritating professional Irishman and self-styled talented musician Seamus O’Bollochs, became virtual rent-boys in their attempts to remain near the centre of the group.

In the aftermath of the Site Two fiasco, BBC chiefs have questioned the role played by the resident documentary film crew in the development of this cult. It has been suggested that, on several occasions, the islanders are clearly 'acting up' and performing for the benefit of the camera. It has even been alleged that in some of the recovered footage official documentary maker Tamara Chisolm can be seen urging Summerisle, Capper, Dabney and the other cult elders to perform ever more bizarre ceremonies, and actively encouraging the inclusion of more sex and violence in them. According to sources who claim to have seen the footage, Chisolm can be seen encouraging former civil servant Hugh Baldry and accountant Helen Smith to denounce the group’s whingeing doctor, Alan Hubbard MD, and his family as witches. This they did, complaining to Summerisle that far from healing them, Hubbard had actually worsened their verukas and piles as a revenge for their urinating in his sleeping area as a joke. Hubbard and his family were subsequently stoned to death by the islanders, and their bodies cooked and eaten, the food preparation being carried out by crazed ex-dinner lady Marjorie Halsted. The footage apparently shows her cackling maniacally as she dismembers the bodies, before boiling the meat until it is virtually inedible.



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