Bed and Buggery

"B and B is meant to stand for 'Bed and Breakfast', not 'Bed and Buggery' for God's sake," declares John Dickler, spokesperson for a group of militant B and B owners seeking the right to refuse to rent rooms to gay couples. "What right-minded person would want two men getting up to that sort of thing under his roof?" Dickler's stance - , despite being in direct contravention of anti-discrimination legislation, has unexpectedly gained support from the shadow Home Secretary, has drawn a hostile response from gay rights groups. "It's utterly ridiculous - why just pick on male homosexuals?" asks James Floundly of the Gay Defence League. "Believe me, straight couple could be getting up to all manner of lewd and depraved sexual acts in their rooms - including buggery! Then there are the lesbians to worry about!" However, Dickler is unrepentant. "Look, this is a moral issue - I have every right to decide exactly who it is that I spy on in my own B and B," he retorts. "As a heterosexual man, I find it completely impossible to masturbate whilst watching two men going at it - straight couples and lesbians are completely different. If you can't get your end away to them, then you are impotent or dead!" Dickler quickly added the proviso that he would only allow beautiful lesbian couples to stay at his establishment. "None of those fat dykes in comfortable shoes," he mused. "They're guaranteed to make the old tallywhacker go limp in your hands."

According to Dickler, being forced to accommodate gay couples could see the profits of many B and Bs slashed. "There's just no market for this sort of gay porn," he claims, explaining that many of his fellow B and B owners regularly film their guests with hidden cameras. "There's no way that most of these establishments can survive on the money generated by putting up travelling salesmen and bird spotters. There's a big market, though, for this candidly shot porn. It's a victimless crime really, the guests being filmed are never likely to see it, and the footage is sufficiently grainy they're unlikely ever to be recognised by anyone else. So who's being harmed?" The Gay Defence League has responded by announcing a boycott of B and Bs' run by overtly Christian owners. "Many of these people claim their objections to our members staying under their roofs is based on religious conviction," explains Floundly. "Well, we have moral objections to their religion. I mean, they could be Catholics, in which case we could be staying under the same roof as kiddie fiddlers! It's outrageous!"