Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Another Overheard Conversation

Another fragment of conversation recently overheard on a train:

Bloke in bowler hat: "The other day I did a dump at work so humongous that I thought it was going to block the pipe! As I flushed, the water - turds swirling around wildly in it - climbed further and further up the bowl! Luckily, it finally managed to flush away. A few days later, this time at home, I laid a single log so long that the end poked at least four inches out of the water. When I flushed it away, it twirled round and round in the bowl, like a huge brown shark's fin, before it finally slid away. Spooky, eh?"

Guy in glasses: "I wish mine flushed away so easily - they're always bloody floaters and u-stoppers! Bloody embarrassing when you do them at work. I swear the cistern there is specially rigged, so that it takes at least fifteen minutes to refill after flushing, thereby guaranteeing a hair-raising ordeal for anyone experiencing flush-away problems."

Tweed jacket: "Personally, I tend to favour fishing the culprits out and ejecting them from the nearest window. That's why I always carry a small fishing net (for floaters) and a pair of marigold rubber gloves ( for beached torpedoes). I recall having once flung a stray floater out of my bathroom window into next door's flower bed one hot summer night. By midday the following day, the stench had grown unbearable. Luckily, next door's tom cat (notorious for not covering up behind himself), got the blame, and was whisked off to the vets on suspicion of having feline gastroenteritis, for a series of painful tests."

Bloke in bowler hat: "Yesterday I dropped another humongous turd at work - it so huge it stuck at least six inches above the water. It would have sat up even higher, except that the end was bent over. This had the effect of making it resemble the Loch Ness monster - you've seen the photos: long plesiosaur-like neck and small head poking out of the water. Makes you think about Nessie, eh? For years I suspected she was simply a whale lying on it's back with an erection, but now I'm beginning to think otherwise..."

At this point the train reached their stop and they all got off, depriving me of further toilet-related revelations.

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