Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Bizarre Murderer Strikes?

According to self-styled 'consulting detective' Don Prickler, top designer Alexander McQueen's death was certainly not suicide, as reported in the press. "For God's sake, it's so bloody obvious - a fashion designer found hanged in a wardrobe amongst his latest creations? This can only be the work of a bizarre murderer of celebrities," he declares. "The authorities are trying to cover it up in order to prevent mass panic amongst Britain's rich and famous." Indeed, Prickler is confidently predicting further bizarre murders, as the elusive killer continues his murderous spree. "It's only a matter of time before they find a celebrity chef like Gordon Ramsey baked in his own oven," he muses. "Or maybe Russell Brand shagged to death by a deadly sex machine."

According to Prickler - famed for solving the affair of the Camden cat molestations and for bringing the notorious 'Jack the Flipper', the underwater pervert who terrorised swimmers several South London public baths, to justice - the killer is driven by the desire to make each murder more bizarre than its predecessor. "Clearly, he is jealous of his victims' fame and talent," he muses. "He obviously believes that by killing them in bizarre fashions, he will attract a level of attention to himself to rival their celebrity. Completely untalented himself - I doubt he can sing, dance or simply be famous - he sees his murders as a creative statement!" Although Prickler's theories have been dismissed by the police as 'utterly ludicrous', the detective is determined to pursue his investigation and bring the bizarre murderer to justice. "If this fiend isn't stopped, it could spell disaster for Britain's entertainment industry," he opines. "The supply of celebrities will simply dry up - who on earth would want to be famous if it meant being targeted by a crazed killer hell-bent on murdering you in the most bizarre way possible?"

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