Friday, April 02, 2010

"You Are Jesus Christ, and I Claim My Five Pounds.."

Jesus Christ’s father - Our Lord God Almighty - is worried about His Son. The Saviour of Mankind was due back on earth for the new millennium over ten years ago, however, no-one has so far seen him. “He left my mansion - which has many rooms - promptly at midnight on 31 December 1999”, God told us through his appointed intermediaries here on earth, the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury. “But I haven’t seen or heard from him since . There have been no authenticated miracles reported - usually a sure sign that he is around. Whilst I don’t think that anything really terrible has happened to him - I haven’t heard of any crucifixion’s lately - I would like him to get in touch, just to put my mind at rest”. Well, with Easter here, we Sleaze Diary have decided to give The Almighty a helping hand. We’re asking all of readers to look out for the Messiah and, just to provide an extra incentive, we’re prepared to give a fiver to whoever successfully spots him!

However, just to make it interesting, when you approach the Son of God you must be dressed in religious garb, be holding a copy of the Bible, and you must say “You are Jesus Christ, Saviour of Mankind, and I claim my five pounds!” Remember, this challenge is not as easy as it sounds - Jesus is clearly determined not to be found and may be in disguise. Simply looking out for any bearded thirty year olds wearing sandals will not suffice - he could have trimmed that facial hair and now be sporting a neat goatee beard! The sandals could have been replaced with Reeboks and the flowing robes with a sharp suit. Perhaps he has adopted the guise of someone famous - UK Garage star Craig David, for instance. After all, who had ever heard of him before 2000, eh? Just why Jesus has gone into hiding is not clear. Perhaps the pressure of being Messiah was all too much for him and he’s decided to drop out for a while. We’ll only know the true answer if you find him! And remember, we’ll need proof of his identity - stigmata, water into wine, raising the dead - that sort of thing. Good luck and God be with you!

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