Monday, January 04, 2010

Environment for Terror?

A newspaper columnist has sensationally claimed that al Qeada is not an Islamic fundamentalist terror group, but actually it is a front for a coalition of environmental and naturist groups. "It's quite obvious," ranted John Barnyard in his column in The Shite. "What have most of these so-called 'terror' attacks been aimed at, eh? Aircraft! Can't people see that the real agenda here is to scare people out of travelling by air!" According to the conservative columnist, the only winners from such a strategy are climate change campaigners and environmentalists. "They're always banging on about how excessive air travel is destroying the ozone layer and how the best way to reduce carbon emissions is to restrict it," he claims. "They've obviously failed to scare people into believing that the world will end if they continue to fly, so instead they're just going to scare people out of taking foreign holidays!" Even if the prospect of being blown out of the air by crazed suicide bombers exploding their underpants doesn't scare people out of flying, Barnyard contends, the environmentalists are hoping that increasingly stringent security measures at airports will deter them instead. "Let's face it - who wants to queue for twelve hours for a flight?" he asks. "As if that isn't deterrent enough, they're now threatening intrusive full body scans!"

Indeed, Barnyard is convinced that the full body scans are part of the naturist faction of the terror alliance's plot to impose nudism on the general population. "For decades now these freaks have failed to convince people that we should all run around completely starkers," he says. "With these full body scans, they're effectively making us all naturists by proxy! Once you step through one of those scanners, your entire body is exposed for every immigration and airport official to gawp at! It's a bloody disgrace!" The columnist has claimed that he has evidence that an unusually high proportion of Borders Agency staff are practising naturists. "The conspiracy is there for everyone to see," states the climate change denier. "It's only a small step from full body scans to insisting that everyone flies naked for security reasons - why else do you think they've now got s-called 'terrorists' using their clothes as weapons of mass destruction?" Barnyard's claims have largely been dismissed, with many critics pointing out that he had previously used his column to allege that climate change was a scam devised by the home improvement industry to increase sales of loft insulation.



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