Parliamentary Nudes

The government has found itself embroiled in a new row over MP's expenses after it came to light that a Minister and her husband had been making pornographic films and claiming the budgets from the tax payer. "This really is outrageous," thundered Tory backbencher Hubert Hergenjerker. "As part of the claim they put in for thirty pounds for a vibrator and butt plugs - if they'd bought in bulk they could have got a twenty percent discount, representing a huge saving for the taxpayer!" A Parliamentary Select Committee set up to vet MP's expenses claims has also been highly critical of the Minister's invoices, noting that the films themselves appeared to be extremely low budget, in no way justifying the amounts being claimed for. "They are clearly all filmed in the Minister's own house, obviating the need for sets," said a spokesperson. "They can't even claim that the on-screen 'talent' they were using was expensive - they played the leads themselves." Jane Arbolister, the Minister for the Prevention of Exploitation, has defended her actions, claiming that she and her husband had every intention of repaying the money they had claimed, from the profits of their films' sales. However, doubts have been cast on the ability of the movies to recoup even their modest costs. "Jesus Christ - who'd want to pay to see two flabby middle aged people grunting and groaning on their kitchen table?" asks Hergenjerker. "I don't see why the taxpayer should be expected to finance the revolting home sex movies of government Ministers!"

Arbolister has denied that the films were made as part of some bizarre sex game on the part of herself and her husband, claiming that they actually constituted research. "We were merely trying to fully understand the plight of the poor women who are exploited by appearing in such pornography," she told the Commons. "Consequently, as eliminating such exploitation is central to my Ministerial brief, I feel that the making of these films constitute a perfectly legitimate expense." This isn't the first time that the Minister and her husband have courted controversy with their bizarre behaviour, most notably when her husband appeared on a live TV sex phone-in channel, dressed in fishnet stockings and a red basque, taking calls from viewers. "It was truly horrible," recalls the station's programme director, Ron Widdler. "I don't know what we were thinking allowing him to go on there, but the Minister implied our licence would be revoked if we didn't. It was a disaster - when he bared his man boobs and started squeezing them provocatively, viewing figures dropped to a record low!" Once again, the Minister defended the broadcast by claiming that she and her husband were merely trying to highlight the exploitation of women on such programmes. "Clearly, when a man is exploited in the same way people find it disgusting," she told the press. "This merely underlines the inherent hypocrisy of the whole sex industry!"