Bolshedicks-a-Go-Go

Russian emigre and self-professed former KGB agent Oleg Wytnnuklov has made further astonishing claims about his former masters in Russia, alleging that several former communist leaders had been involved in sordid activities on a pornographic web site. According to the renegade Russian, following his retirement from the presidency, the late Boris Yeltsin was forced to try a variety of alternative careers in a vain attempt to maintain his extravagant lifestyle of vodka, cigars and large women. In an early act of desperation he attempted to enter the world of professional wrestling and performed for the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) under the name 'Crawling King Snake' – a tribute to his idol Jim Morrison, complete with skin-tight leather trousers. His trademark move - the 'Tunguska Explosion' - involved raising one cheek and blowing his opponent over with a powerful fart. This move was successfully employed against masked Mexican wrestler 'El Bombasto' to win the WWF European Championship. After successfully defending his title against the wrestling Pope (in spite of being poleaxed with the Pontiff’s crook), his career in the squared circle was cut short when he suffered a double rupture whilst trying to lift another former politician turned grappler – one time UK Defence Secretary Michael Portillo (known professionally as 'The Butch British Beefeater') – over his head.

Before you could say “have a good week, till next week”, Yeltsin was in the gutter and desperately seeking new sources of income. His involvement with the notorious 'Bolshedicks a-Go-G' porn site was accidentally discovered by Wytnuklov when the former spy logged onto the site twenty seven times by chance whilst searching for a Russian Orthodox Christians Against Masturbation site. This site, apparently hugely popular in Russia, features various look-a-likes of famous communist leaders performing lewd acts. Bizarrely, however, Yeltsin did not portray himself, instead donning false eyebrows (and little else) to masquerade as the late Leonid Brezhnev. A web-cast could be downloaded in which Yeltsin, clad only in fleece-lined boots and a furry hat, performed a teasing version of the fan dance using the metal dividers from a filing cabinet drawer. This climaxes with him revealing all – and proving that his nickname of 'King Snake' was highly inaccurate. Another web-cast sees Yeltsin/Brezhnev engaging in a nude mud-wrestling match with a Richard Nixon look-a-like. Although it has been suggested that the 'Bolshedicks' site is financed by the CIA in order to further discredit the former communist regime, reliable sources have claimed that it is actually run from Tomsk by renegade MI5 agent David Shayler. The site was apparently devised by Shayler as a way of earning much-needed funds for his defence against charges of breaching the Official Secrets Act. There have also been persistent rumours that Mikhail Gorbachev once donned a stick-on goatee to play Lenin. It is claimed that he could be seen pouring hot oil on his bald head before rubbing it all over the naked body of a Rosa Luxembourg look-a-like. Sadly, the site was finally shut down after Yeltsin suffered a fatal heart attack whilst spanking a Trotsky look-a-like with his ice-pick during a live webcast.