The Ascension of Jade Goody

Acolytes of the recently deceased reality TV star Jade Goody are eagerly awaiting her rise from the grave this Easter. "It's what Easter's all about, isn't it?" says Jody Trusspottle as, along with several hundred fellow fans, she holds a candle lit vigil at Goody's Essex graveside. "The return of a Messiah who is going to lead us all to the promised land of eternal fame!" Goody's acolytes are convinced that the former Big Brother star will rise again on Easter Monday to guide her followers into a reality TV paradise, where they will be guaranteed ever-lasting minor celebrity status. "Of course, not everyone will be judged righteous enough to ascend to the heavenly Big Brother House," explains Trusspottle. "Those found wanting will be called to the Diary Room and subjected to a public vote, with the sinners being cast out into the world of eternal drudgery, anonymity and work." The acolytes are firmly convinced of Goody's divinity, citing the level of adulation she attained during her last days and the number of visions of the stricken star witnessed by fans. "When she was most needed by her fans, she would appear," says an awestruck Trusspottle. "My mate Sadie was having a terrible time with a bad hair day - it just wouldn't come under control and she was due out on a hot date with this bloke from the Co-Op. She was in despair and called out for someone to help her - and Jade appeared and laid her hands on Sadie's rebellious locks. They just all settled down and she was suddenly perfectly coiffured - it was a miracle!"

However, as with all nascent faiths, a schism has already opened up in the Church of Goody, with some followers insisting that Goody has already risen once. "It's quite obvious that her 'crucifixion' was when she was pilloried over the Celebrity Big Brother racism row," declares Katy Wibblethorpe. "It therefore follows hat her successful return to the public eye after weathering that storm constituted her metaphorical rise from the grave. The trouble is that some acolytes are just too literal in their interpretation of the Gospel According to Max Clifford." Wibblethorpe and her faction are adamant that if Goody does arise on Easter Monday, then it will constitute her Second Coming, which will herald the end of the world of reality TV as we know it. "I very much doubt that it will be this Monday," she says. "According to all the portents she will not return until the Armageddon of Big Brother 10, when reality TV will descend upon the whole nation and the faithful will all live within the all-encompassing Kingdom of Reality TV, forever under the watchful eye of Big Brother." The faction believes that the steady spread of surveillance cameras in the UK is a sure sign that the 'eviction times' - when the non-believers will be cast out of the 'house' - are already upon us. Trusspottle and her friends remain undeterred, firmly believing that Goody will return on Easter Monday, although they are prepared for a long wait. "Well, obviously she won't reappear much before lunch time," she reasons. "It is a Bank Holiday, after all, and everyone likes a lie-in on those, don't they?"