Puritan Pleasures (Part Three)

The threatened closure of its TV station is simply the latest blow to strike the League of Public Decency, which appears to be on the verge of collapse. The League’s leader, Ezekial Deacon - who once called for the destruction of the millennium Dome because it resembled a gigantic woman’s breast - has recently been accused of hypocrisy, after pornographic images were apparently found stored on the hard disc of his computer. Engineers repairing the computer at a branch of PC World were amazed to find several hundred images of naked women’s bodies the head of the late Mary Whitehouse placed on their shoulders. “These are some of the best faked celebrity nude photos we’ve ever seen”, said a PC World spokesman. “You can hardly seen the join!” The pictures invariably unite the TV clean-up campaigner’s head with the body of a large breasted woman, often in an explicit lesbian encounter with other fake celebrity nudes, including Britney Spears, Barbara Windsor and Celine Dion. At least one picture shows her apparently taking it up the arse from the late Cardinal Hume.

The most disturbing images show Whitehouse as a whip-cracking dominatrix subjugating none other than Deacon himself. The images of Deacon - in which he is frequently chained, being urinated on, or is dressed only in giant nappies - appear not to have been faked. Deacon has claimed that the pictures were planted on his computer as part of a conspiracy by gays, liberals and pornographers to discredit the League. His supporters say that it is unthinkable that Deacon could, in any way, be involved with pornography, pointing out that he is so moral that he will not allow any sexually suggestive objects in his home. Indeed, he once burned a pepper grinder he deemed too phallic and sealed up his letterbox claiming that it was an “obscene caricature of a woman’s vagina”. However, critics believe that this kind of behaviour simply confirms that Deacon is actually so sexually repressed that he can only gain sexual satisfaction through viewing obsessive scenarios of subjugation and punishment. “If he wasn’t a moral campaigner, he’d probably be stalking around Whitechapel murdering prostitutes, or at the very least, showing them his knob”, said one leading psychologist.