Black Day for Britain?

Conservative leader David Cameron has denied that his condemnation of Prince Harry's use of the term 'Paki' to describe an Asian colleague is politically motivated, and that he is merely trying to jump on the publicity bandwagon. "He is dissin' my people, cos I am black, too. Innit?" the old Etonian declared. "We got to show solidarity in the face of this kind of racism. This honky has to be told, jus' cos he da Prince, don't mean he can dis da brothers." Cameron denied that his donning of black face to make his condemnation was in any way offensive, saying that he was merely demonstrating a united front with Britain's black community, rather than making a desperate, and misguided, attempt to appeal to the black vote. "We got to show that if the man attacks one of us, he attacks us all - we all black under the skin!" he claimed. The Tory leader also poured scorn on allegations that his statements, with their embarrassing attempts to imitate ethnic 'street language', simply showed how out of touch and confused he was on issues of ethnicity. "It da Fresh Prince of Buck House who da one outta touch," he retorted. "Dat man he callin' a 'Paki' is clearly Indian. He shouldda bin callin' him a 'wog'! No Old Etonian woulda got dat wrong - we know da correct etiquette of racial abuse. Is insultin' to everyone when you call dem by da wrong name!"

Fellow Old Etonian, Mayor of London and general buffoon Boris Johnson was also thought to be towing the party line when he was spotted in Camden, covered from head to foot in black boot polish, wearing only a grass skirt and a bone through his nose, carrying a spear and a Zulu shield. "I'm sure it was him - that gormless look is unmistakable, even under a layer of polish," said street sweeper Dan Hobbshirt, who claims to have confronted Johnson over his bizarre get up. "But he just claimed that he was going to a fancy dress party organised by the local Young Conservatives." When pressed on the issue, the blacked up figure denied being Boris Johnson. "He reckoned he was Joseph Bumpo, recently arrived from Bongo-Bongo Land," says a perplexed Hobbshirt. "He then ran off down the street waving his spear and shouting 'Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo'. Even though he tried using a really bad Nigerian accent, he still sounded like an Old Etonian." A spokesman for the Mayor's office categorically denied that Mr Johnson had ever worn black face, let alone attended a fancy dress party as a Zulu warrior. "Such conduct would be highly insensitive on the part of a politician who represents such an ethnically diverse community as London," said the spokesman. "Obviously, Boris Johnson would never do anything so crass."