Carry on Dying

If your idea of heaven is chortling at the merry toilet pranks of Carry On At Your Convenience or marvelling at the cutting critique of British Imperialism that is Carry On Up The Khyber, then prepare to enter paradise! British film production company HandJob Films has announced that it is negotiating to acquire the rights to make a new series of Carry On films. However, the company aims to avoid the mistakes made the last time an attempt was made to revive the franchise - the limp Carry On Columbus. “The mistake that time was to cast new actors in the roles”, says HandJob executive Jod Bank, “the public wanted the old stars and that’s what we’re going to give them!”

HandJob plans to use new technology to virtually recreate dead comic favourites such as Sid James, Kenneth Williams and Hattie Jacques and put them into brand new productions. HandJob producer JR Rank promises that it won’t just be the now sadly departed Carry On stars that will get the virtual treatment. “We will also be featuring the surviving performers, but virtually enhanced to take them back to their prime - Barbara Windsor, well we’ll be doing some restoration work on her bust, It is sagging a bit these days, isn’t it? Punters today will want to see something a bit more pert!”

The company’s head writer, Sherm Tank, assured us that the new films would be true to the spirit of the classic series, but would feature up-to-date plots, ripped straight from the headlines. The first production planned is a hard-hitting satire of funding crises in the National Health Service - Carry On Dying. Sid James will feature prominently as hard-drinking and womanising surgeon Dr Grope (“I like a quick stiffener in the morning!”), who expires from a fatal heart attack whilst fondling Nurse Rosy Cheeks (Barbara Windsor) during a vital heart operation. Inexperienced and incompetent Dr Fumble (Terry Scott) is forced to take over, but inadvertently removes the patient’s knob instead. Consequently, the patient (Charles Hawtrey) sues the hospital, resulting in a major funding crisis. Much hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, Matron Mona Loudly (Hattie Jacques) also expires suddenly - whilst coming to orgasm with senior hospital administrator Henry Smallpiece (Kenneth Williams) - “Ooooooh Matron!” - crushing him in the process. Smallpiece is rushed to the plaster room to set his broken bones (“I don’t think we’ve got a splint small enough....”). Much hilarity ensues. In a hectic comic climax, Smallpiece receives the accidentally removed penis in an emergency transplant before solving the hospital’s funding problems. He arranges to have Matron Loudly cremated in the hospital furnace - providing heating for the entire building for the next year and thereby saving half a million pounds, exactly the amount of the maimed patient’s out of court settlement. Smallpiece starts to be influenced by his new member, mincing around the hospital and groping handsome porter Johnny Biggun (Jim Dale). Much hilarity ensues as the end credits roll.

If Carry On Dying proves popular, the HandJob team has other productions planned. “We were thinking of doing an updated version of Carry On Teacher , set in a modern inner-city school,” Jod Bank told us. “It could feature Frankie Howerd as a hypocritical schools inspector who once slept with a pupil - the twist being that it was a male pupil who is now a teacher at the school he is inspecting! The film could climax with the persecuted teaching staff giving him a bloody good caning in the gym, before the ex-lover gives him one up the arse!” Rank, Bank and Tank also believe that the virtual recreation of the Carry On stars will allow them to “cast” against type. “Kenneth Williams, for instance, could be portrayed as a virile bisexual shag machine, rather than a wimpy homosexual mummy’s boy,” Tank enthused. “The possibilities are endless!” Much hilarity, no doubt, will ensue.