Doc Sleaze's Seasonal Shed

With those bloody awful external Christmas lights going up on houses all over the place, I've decided that if I can't beat 'em, then I'll just have to join them. However, rather than set up an illuminated nativity scene utilising my extensive collection of blow-up sex dolls, (Raunchy Rachel, with her removable pubic wig and self-hardening nipples, was lined up to be the Virgin Mary), I've instead decided to put up a shed in my garden, cover it in artificial snow (probably shredded polystyrene ceiling tiles), and charge visitors twenty quid a time to come and see my collection of festive garden tools stored inside. It'll be worth every penny - trust me, it won't just be a couple of rakes with tinsel on. Oh no. Visitors will also be able to view the nativity scene featuring the Virgin Fork, the Baby Trowel and the Three Wise Shovels. Children will be able to have their photo taken with Santa, who'll be represented by three hoes. (Hoe, hoe, hoe - geddit?)

Obviously, I can't guarantee that my seasonal shed will be anywhere near as exciting an experience as , say, Lapland New Forest. But I sincerely hope that it can o some way toward filling the gap in the market left by the demise of that fine institution. Personally, I was appalled at the treatment received by Lapland New Forest at the hands of the media. So a few paying customers got a bit arsey when they decided that they'd been ripped off, but that was no excuse for attacking Santa and, even worse, beating up elves. Typical bloody bullies - afraid to pick on someone their own size! Frankly, I think they were missing the point of the Lapland New Forest experience - it was meant to be a rip off, just like Christmas itself! It truly was a Christmas theme park - promising much from behind its glitzy exterior, but once unwrapped proving to be nothing more than a pair of old socks and a Cliff Richard album.