Sex Education

Controversy surrounds the government's decision to make sex education compulsory for five year olds, with many feeling such a move inappropriate. "Is it really appropriate for children who are barely toilet trained to be bombarded with pictures of genitalia and the intimate details of copulation?" asks Brendan O'Fugh, Catholic Bishop of Skibbereen. "Isn't it bad enough that children are already being sexualised from an early age through watching scantily-clad kids' TV presenters and pop singers, revealing clothes and make-up, without them being taught this filth in the classroom?" However, Jim Knackers, the Education Minister behind the scheme, disagrees. "Look, with the world full of roving paedophiles and sex offenders lurking around every corner, it is essential that today's kids are equipped from an early age to deal with sexuality," he explains. "Children can't go o their local playground these days without being flashed - we want to make sure that they know exactly what's being flashed at them. Believe me, an exposed penis is far less intimidating when you know what it is."

O'Fugh remains unconvinced by such arguments, believing that the classroom is no fit place for sex. "I don't accept that it is right to be shattering the innocence of young children,just because the authorities can't keep these perverts locked up," he opines. "Next thing you know, they'll be giving the kiddies sexual deviance education lessons, teaching them how to be peeping Toms and the like from the age of five, just to be sure they do it right when they grow up!" Indeed, the clergyman suspects the motives of those behind the move, suspecting it to be a form of institutionalised grooming. "What other explanation can there be for grown men wanting to expose young children to sex?" he asks. "Besides, the classroom isn't the place even for normal sex education. Traditionally that's the preserve of the Church. Believe me, young boys can learn everything they need to know on the subject from the private lessons given by most Priests in the vestry after choir practice."