Going for More Gold

With the UK riding high in the Olympic medal table, it occurred to me that, bearing in mind that it is in the less traditional sports which we seem to excel in these days, we should think about getting some more unorthodox disciplines introduced to the games. For many years now I've been a champion of buttock ski-ing. Now, it's not what you might think - simply going down a slope on your arse would hardly make for a challenging sport, now would it? Besides, that sort of thing would be better suited to the Winter Olympics. No, buttock ski-ing is a real test of skill - and a cross gender team sport to boot. First of all, you need a woman with a set of big buttocks. Now, I know this sounds suspect, but believe me, research has shown that female buttocks are best for this. The possessor of the buttocks must lie, bare arsed and face down, on the floor. The skier (who can be of either gender), should then smear the buttocks with salad cream, before mounting them in bare feet - one foot on each cheek. Grasping a coat hanger attached to a piece of string, held taught by being tied to a door knob, the skier now needs to try and stay on the buttocks. Slipping off leads to elimination. Trust me, it takes more skill than you might suspect to stay on those wobbly mounds. For best results, an electric fan should be set up to blow at the skier's face, completing the illusion of water ski-ing.

I really think we should start lobbying to have this one included as an exhibition sport for the London Olympics in 2012. We really need to start thinking about how we can encourage today's youth to participate in sports by introducing disciplines in which they can utilise their existing skills. Consequently, I firmly believe that knife-fighting should also be included as an exhibition sport in 2012. We also need to think about modernising some of the existing sports to make them seem more relevant to today's young people. Take shooting, for instance. All that blasting away with shotguns at clay pigeons means nothing to modern kids. Now, if they were to introduce a new shooting event - the drive-by - I think we'd see participation levels go through the roof. A team activity where half a dozen shooters have to hit targets from a moving car, firing Ingrams Mac 10 machine pistols, I think we'd be guaranteed a Gold medal. Forget track and field events, (unless we introduce a new version of the sprint where competitors have to carry a TV set for 200m without being caught by the police), the only way we're going to be able to maintain our current magnificent level of Olympic achievement, is through lateral thinking of this kind.