Royal Hunt of the Radish

The debate over Genetically Modified (GM) foods took an unexpected new twist recently, with allegations that members of the Royal family are involved in sinister GM-related plots. It has long be known that Prince Philip and Prince Charles take differing positions on the issue of GM foods, with the Duke of Edinburgh supporting their development, whilst his son ostensibly opposes them. According to top Royal watcher Hugh Ropley-Tossington, Prince Philip’s motives for supporting GM experiments is entirely selfish. "The Prince believes that genetically modified vegetables could replace game animals for hunting purposes," Ropley-Tossington exclusively told The Sleaze recently. "Apparently he fears that he will have hunted most animal species to extinction by the year 2009. Moreover, he believes that there would be less public outrage at him blasting apart huge mobile radishes, or flying cucumbers, than there is to him hunting down small furry animals and having them torn apart by dogs."

Prince Charles is, naturally, totally opposed to the idea of developing new species of plants solely for hunting purposes. Quite apart from the ethical questions raised by GM experiments, he allegedly finds the idea of hunting vegetables barbaric, having formed close personal relationships with many of his own plants. He has become well-known for talking to the plants he raises on his estate at Highgrove and carefully nurturing them to maturity with organic fertilizers and nutrients. However, Ropley-Tossington believes that something more sinister is going on inside the greenhouses at Highgrove. He strongly suspects that the Prince, possibly assisted by noted mad gardener Alan Titchmarsh, is busy developing new strains of "super-vegetables". Using a process of selective breeding and cross-pollination it is possible that the Prince is building an army of dangerous killer-plants, loyal only to himself. There have been several reports of strange shapes being seen moving around the greenhouses at night, and several staff have gone missing after expressing too great an interest in the Prince’s horticultural activities.

Indeed, it is possible that Prince Charles has already started sending his emissaries of death out to eliminate his enemies. Ropley-Tossington points out that in September Prince Philip claimed to have been attacked by two giant carrots whilst in the grounds of Balmoral - luckily he had his shotgun to hand and dispatched the marauding radicals with both barrels. The incident was hushed up at the time, with a Palace spokesman claiming that the Prince had been working too hard and that his sedative dosage had now been increased. Ropley-Tossington believes that this was the Prince of Wales' opening move in a plot to seize the throne. "He's getting impatient, waiting for the Queen to pop her clogs or abdicate," Ropley-Tossington believes. He also believes that the Prince’s selective breeding programme displays a degree of hypocrisy. "Surely selective breeding is itself a method of genetically modifying foods?" he mused.