Rogue Reporters

The past few days Channel Five have been relentlessly plugging Street Crime Live, with Donal MacIntyre. I'm still not entirely clear exactly what this programme is actually about - is that most macho of investigative reporters Donal MacIntyre (he who has endured death threats from all those criminals he has supposedly put behind bars), going out on the streets committing crimes himself? Who knows? Who cares? MacIntyre can't hold a candle to real investigative reporters, like Roger Cook. I mean, Cook didn't just get death threats - people actually beat him up. On television. Hell, it was the only thing which made The Cook Report watchable. Every week you know you could tune in and see some fat bastard having seven tons of crap beaten out of them.

That said, I think the time is ripe for a new type of consumer programme. Instead of errant service providers being dragged onto Watchdog to be brow beaten by Nicky Campbell, perhaps the intrepid TV investigator could go round and firebomb their head office. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of seeing some programme exposing, say, shoddy builders who rip off people by building them sub-standard patios, only for it to conclude with the reporter telling us that, after all that undercover work with hidden cameras and disguises, that the villain has been told off by trading standards - but has set up under a new name. I don't want justice, I want retribution. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not talking about abducting over charging electricians, torturing them and dumping their bodies in a cess pit. That would be a bit extreme. No, just tracking them down to their houses, knocking on the door and smacking them in the face when they answer it, would be sufficient. All live on camera, of course. Even better, when they catch them on camera in one of those 'sting' operations, where the presenter dresses up as a little old lady, or something, when they expose the miscreants, the entire film crew could kick the shit out of them.

However, I couldn't really see the likes of Roger Cook or Donal MacIntyre fronting this sort of programme. Or even Nicky Campbell, for that matter. Esther Rantzen, maybe. Personally, though, my choice would be actor, documentarist and general twat about town Keith Allen. I've already written about how his handling of the despicable Westboro Baptists impressed me - he basically spent an hour spewing abuse at them. The same approach could work with rogue builders, crappy service providers and the like. Every week Keith Allen and a length of lead piping could respond to viewers' complaints by tracking the miscreants down and beating them up. All the while attempting to avoid the Child Support Agency as it tries to get him to pay maintenance to the mothers of his various illegitimate children...